the awesome/terrifying freedom

today's topic: circumcision

i remember so clearly the moment i realized exactly what had been done to me. i was in junior high, and it was during one of my 'extended stays' in the bathroom at home. i remember looking at mr. winky and thinking that there seemed to be tissue on it similar to the scar tissue on my arm from a recent bike crash. 'what is this? is this a scar? how did i get a scar there? is that from.. ohh. oh. holy shit. and this part used to be here, and look at how it fits together.. and holy shit.. so that's what it means.' i lost my woody, which was quickly replaced by a horrible sinking feeling, a feeling of total violation. a feeling that a sexual violence had been inflicted on me bordering on rape.

i had known that i was circumcised, sure, but didn't really have a concept of what it meant. how could i? i had never really seen any other penises - i'd seen a few porn films, but cut and uncut erect penises pretty much look the same, especially if you don't know what you're looking for. why would my parents do this to me? i suppose my dad did it because he was circumcised too and subsequently had no reason to think that he was missing something. i remember my dad telling me about it when i was little, that it was a 'standard operation during childbirth.' he made it sound as necessary as cutting the cord. doctor's sometimes justify it as 'nothing more than a piece of skin the size of a quarter.'

yeah, well, not when the kid is fully grown. turns out that what i've lost is fifteen square inches of skin - that's a 3x5 index card's worth- containing no less than 20,000 nerve endings, skin more sensitive than fingertips. this is no minor flap of flesh - this has been fashioned over millions of years of evolution. evolution may not be perfect in crafting peripheral organs and body parts, but if there's anyting it needs to get right, it's the sex organs. just looking at the specificity of the reproductive design of the thousands of breeds of orchids, how can you believe that this flap of skin is functionless and expendable?

the more i learn about it, the more queasy and betrayed and robbed i feel.

my dad also explained that it was done for 'hygene purposes.' so basically millions of men are being stripped of a huge part of their ability to feel sexual pleasure so that they can save a couple minutes of my shower routine?

i don't buy it. something deeper is going on here. why is circumcision so popular in america? why do americans have such puritanical attitudes toward sex? why are so many europeans not circumsized? why does europe have a much freer attitude toward sex? does all this stem from america's puritanical roots? what turned us into lemmings, willfully inflicting sexual blindness on each other for countless generations?

this must go way way back. back to a time when the powers that be lived in fear of the unchecked passions of men.

king: i'm afraid.

advisor: of what?

king: that the people will revolt.

advisor: why, my lord?

king: because their lives are terrible. because men are animals. look at how they fuck and kill everything in sight.

advisor: i don't do these things.

king: that's because we cut your balls off when you were born.

advisor: oh yes. that.

king: does that upset you?

advisor: of course not, my lord. it's the only existence i know.

king: do you ever get angry?

advisor: oh yes, my lord. once, when the cook let the soup get cold, i became so furious that i went into the kitchen and heated it up myself.

king: is that all?

advisor: no. i also clenched my fists!

king: hmm.. why can't all the men be like you? aside from the creepy voice i mean.

advisor: only your advisors are like me.

king: perhaps all men should.. wait. grab that slab of mud and your cunieform pen.

advisor: sir?

king: i'm getting an idea.

advisor: oh, yes, yes sir!

king: take this down. yes, we'll say that, um, we'll say 'by decree of the king' -no- that's not big enough. scratch that. i mean wipe that. we'll say that 'god has spoken through me and has decreed that all the men in the kingdom must cut off their balls to prove their worship to him. and all the balls of all the male children must be cut off as well!'

advisor: oh sir, it's brilliant. do you think the people will do it?

king: oh yeeeah. just say 'god' and they'll do it. but to make them feel better, lets throw a party for it. write this down. 'god has also decreed that we shall have an elaborate ball-cutting ceremony!' did you get that?

advisor: '...ball cutting ceremony.' yes sir.

king: a 'no-more-balls ball'. oh i love this.

advisor: very clever. i'm so happy that all men will know the joys of my existence.

king: yes they will. yes they will.

advisor: oh sir, may i be so honored as to remove your balls myself?

king: the king will keep his balls.

advisor: oh.

king: god makes exceptions.

advisor: of course.. but sir.. one question.. how will the people procreate with no balls?

king: i will impregnate all the women myself. duh.

advisor: oh, oh yes.

king: hello, that's why i need my balls.

advisor: of course. but.. sir, if all men lose their violent passion - what if there is a war?

king: what of it?

advisor: would you not need men still animalistic enough to kill for a god they would cut off their balls for?

king: hmm. good point.

advisor: might i make a suggestion?

king: shoot.

advisor: instead of the balls, why don't you cut off that floppy bit at the end?

king: THE HOODIE? ARE YOU FUCKIN NUTS? THAT'S THE BEST GODDAMN PART! OH GOD, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK.. OH MAN, HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK of that? UGGGGH! GOD, I'M GONNA PUKE.. I MAY BE A RUTHLESS KING, BUT I'M NOT A FUCKIN' PSYCHO!

advisor: sorry sir.

king: oh man.. just the thought.. yikes. yikes. do you even know how good that part is?

advisor: not really sir.

king: yeah, obviously.

advisor: but sir, you get the best of both worlds: subvert them sexually, but they can still function. and they will live their lives with a constant reminder of their sacrifice to you and to god. a most sacred piece of their humanity cast aside to serve you better.

king: ...yeah.. it's good.. twisted as all hell, but damn good. oh man. you are one sick fuck.

advisor: thank you sir. you should keep the party idea, though. i like a good party.

king: yeah, small comfort, but keep the party. they're gonna need it. oh man.. i gotta get my mind off this.. renfield, send in my harem.

advisor: yes sir.