the awesome/terrifying freedom

out here, somewhere, figuring it all out.

ex gays

exgaywatch is an interesting blog.

i'm fascinated by the ex gays. these organizations raise so many interesting questions about choice, upbringing, genetic predisposition, and human willpower.

more on this to come..

save mary

concerned women for america want to save mary cheney.

read that letter. it's a doozy.

how can ms. mary stay silent? more to the point, how can she run her father's campaign? will she or her father have to explain -why- if kerry's mentioning of her lesbianism was shameful (akin to mentioning a child's drug addiction), has mary not 'fixed' herself? now it's not just the homos who want to hear what she has to say, but fundamentalist christians must also be wondering what's going on.

it's clear that mary's involvement in dad's campaign has nothing to do with ideology, only power and prestige, and that dick and mary work very hard to play their christian base. it's a weird thought, because in one way it humanizes dick and lynne - that they accept their daughter and their daughter's partner, they just pretend outrage when it's politically convenient.

so, as my friend neal asks, what's worse: a real fundamentalist christian, or a person who pretends to be a fundamentalist christian?

probably the pretender. the pretender pisses off everyone, on all sides.

dear god. the letter contains a link to a photo of john edwards with the leaders of PFOX and JONAH - that's 'parents and friends of ex-gays' and 'jews offering new alternatives to homosexuality.' how long did they have to work on that acronym? there's something the power of desperately trying to not think of weenies that brings out the creative side in people.

now take one look at that picture and tell me it doesn't look like a photo of edwards sandwiched by staff members from the human rights campaign. in fact, are we sure this is the right photo? i mean, really, shouldn't the leaders of PFOX and JONAH look more like sandy rios?


em gets powerfully political.

guest columnist! my friend sunny on colroado's proposition 36:

Amendment 36 is a tough one, but extremely important. Those opposed to it are on both sides of the political fence, but the most prominent voices are those of the far right. That right there sends a red flag up for me.

It's very intense proposition especially if it passes, it will be retroactive. I think that alone is going to persuade many to vote against it even if they think it’s a good idea.

Some say it could cause Colorado to become insignifigant and ignored in future elections. Well, look at the process now. Many states are ignored if they’re a sure thing for one candidate. Only swing states matter now (and colorado wasn’t one of those in 2000). If a candidate knows that s/he would be able to pick up a few electoral votes here, then I think it would be pretty damn risky/stupid for that campaign to totally ignore Colorado.

We live in a so-called democracy, so people want their damn vote to count. And so many important issues hang in the balance of this election: the war (I’d like my dad to come home), Roe, jobs, healthcare, civil liberties, etc. These are reasons people vote (I hope) and it should count.

The way I see it, we can continue on the path we’re on, or we can change it for the better. I voted for 36 and even if it doesn’t pass, at least it’s on the country’s radar.

rob me, run over me, shoot me

is this me? who knows..

starting today, i'm being killed over and over again all over the country. i'm being thrown out of cars, bashed by baseball bats, golf clubs - anything that can be used as a weapon, riddled with bullets, hit by trucks. it's possible that i'm even killing a few people myself, but i'll have to do some investigating.

a year ago i was scanned by rock star games to be a character in 'grand theft auto: san andreas.' it was a really fun day - i put on all these costumes and was photographed from every angle to be used as a texture map in the game. who knows if i'll even be recognizable, but i'm there!

as more people put up screen grabs, hopefully i'll 'find myself.' most likely i will be part of an asian gang, or reoccur as a pedestrian in chinatown.

the most interesting thing about the experience was learning that the games are made primarily in scotland, and that a team of scottish artists flys out here to do some research, take some pictures, and then flys back to create the game.

true face of the right

got this link from andrew sullivan's site.

really, it makes me incredibly, profoundly sad. and still there are gay republicans who will vote for bush. maybe the proliferation of nuggets like this will help sway them to sanity. the bush campaign may be playing it coy, making every attempt possible to reach out to middle of the road gay voters, but bush's supporters are quite outspoken in their hatred, and see bush as the man to further their cause.

how naive of me to think images of gay pride parades used as 'shock and disgust' fodder were relics from the days of anita bryant. we truly live in an age where content and perception can be diametrically opposed.

and here's another disturbing, though more preposterously amusing nugget. quotes:

"Homosexuals are not monogamous. They want to destroy the institution of marriage," Dobson said.
"It will destroy marriage. It will destroy the Earth."
Dobson urged rally attendees to reach out to homosexuals and "bring them to Jesus."


an interesting comment on the previous post about splitting colorado's electoral votes. yes, a nation-wide change would be the best way for electoral college reform, but after 700 proposals to change it, it's clear that it won't ever happen on the national level (which makes bush's proposal for a marriage amendment all the more ludicrous). i'm almost willing to say it'd be worth kerry losing the election to break the locks of the electoral college. almost. i need more insight into the topic. anyone else?

electoral bullshit

here's hoping that colorado's ballot measure to split their electorlal votes according to the popular vote passes, and that it ignites a firestorm of similar legislation throughout the country.

here's a good article on it. some quotes:
"The harsh fact is that the winner-take-all system of casting each state's electoral vote for president effectively disenfranchises every voter in the state who supports the losing candidate."

"Nearly 3 million people voted for Al Gore for president in Florida in the 2000 presidential election. However, because George W. Bush won 537 more votes than Gore, all of Florida's electoral votes went to him. ... In effect, the system gives the votes of the people who voted against the winner to the winner."

here's an electoral college faq.

"There have been more proposals for Constitutional amendments on changing the Electoral College than on any other subject."

if we end up in the same quagmire as in 2000, you can bet we'll be seeing a lot more movement to abolishing the damned system.

i'm glued to this.

kids pick kerry

and the kids have been right the last 4 elections.

death clock

according this more detailed death clock, i actually have 56 years left to live, which sounds a bit more accurate as it takes into account how long your grandparents lived, and other health factors. what it doesn't take into account though is the inevitable life extending scientific progress that will occur in that time, so i may get an extra ten years - of being hooked up so some sort of machine.

wouldn't it be cool if in the future old people's walkers and assisted breathing devices were all enclosed in a robotic walking machine like ripley drives at the end of aliens? our bodies would be useless and dead, but we could walk around and crush children with our giant steel legs. now that's a future worth living for.

29 - fuck yeah!

i turned 45 yesterday. forty five years left to live, that is, if the death clock has its way. really i turned twenty fucking nine.

dear friends dana and mike got me a fantastic cake

and a tshirt that says 'you must be this tall to ride this ride.'

in honor of impending adulthood, i put the shirt on over my other shirt like the kids do these days.

saw 'team america' which i have weirdly mixed feelings about. did i laugh my ass off? oh yes. but the politics of it are kind of troubling to me, and i think trey and matt think they were being 'equal opportunity offenders' but i felt that the film was oddly slanted toward the conservative. it's a great satire of conservative bush-agenda thinking - especially when the team destroys world landmarks in the name of safety. but the skewering of liberal thinkers is not so smartly handled - it gets no more sophisticated than name calling, really. matt and trey also have their liberal outspoken actor/villains taking up weapons against team america, which doesn't fit with their categorization of liberals being 'pussys' - part of the otherwise brilliant grand thesis of 'dicks, pussys, and assholes.' it would have been a smarter move to have the liberal actors die because they refused to fight, or tried only to talk their way out of conflict. in addition, the liberal figureheads - sean penn, michael moore, etc, are violently put to their ends, where no iconic conservatives are slayed or even lampooned. WHERE IS THE ANN COULTER PUPPET? if you're going to turn michael moore into a suicide bomber, then we need to see ann coulter turning tricks to land a publishing contract.


though it doesn't work politically, as a spoof of jerry bruckheimer action films, it is flawless.

the greatest vomiting scene ever put to film.

ken and barbie were never so nimble in bed. (barbie's legs just won't spread that way)

brilliant songs, especially the spoof of 'rent,' the montage song, and 'pearl harbor sucked, and i miss you.'

more mary

"Had the president, when speaking about immigration, referenced Teresa Heinz Kerry's experience in a positive or neutral light, would that have been inappropriate? Is Mary Cheney's homosexuality some sort of affliction? A verboten family tragedy like the death of John Edwards' son? The only "cheap and tawdry political trick" performed Wednesday night was the one turned by the Cheney parental units. It was they who used their daughter's sexuality as a weapon against John Kerry's sympathetic (and very general) remark. If only Dick and Lynne were so indignant when their daughter was legitimately under attack by an administration willing to write gays and lesbians out of the nation's founding document. Selective indignation has never been so crass …" - Kevin Arnovitz, Slate.

andrew sullivan gives the most cogent response to the mary cheney flack which has been inexplicably unleashed upon kerry.

sullivan describes people's response to the comment as a rorschach test revealing people's latent homophobia. if you believe that homosexuality is something to be shameful of, then you saw kerry as 'stooping to low blows.' if you think homosexuality is a fact of life and no different than if he mentioned that bush's daughters are twins, then you saw kerry using a fact to reveal the hipocrisy in the bush administration.

in a weird way it reminds me of some of the emails i used to get when this blog was largely centered on whether or not clay aiken was gay. many people wrote to me feeling that my statement was a defamation. amazing, really. it just proves how far we all have left to go.

i'm boggled, though why cheney would be so upset at kerry's remark, when he had nothing to say but 'thanks' when edwards brought up the same fact in their debate. perhaps the bush campaign sees this as kerry's only possible misstep (like his 'global test' statement in debate #1), however feeble and illogical, and are doing everything they can to use it as a sounding board for statements like "what a cheap and tawdry political trick."

ahem. what's the trick in recognizing a woman who used to run gay outreach for coors and who appears in public with her lesbian lover?

nyc dmv

took a personal day friday in order to go to the local dmv and officially, after almost four years here, become a new yorker. it was an excruciating process.

there was one giant, winding line, like the line to ride the mr. twister at elitch's in denver, back and forth, back and forth. and everyone's on their phones, voices raised because the reception sucks in the waiting area. one woman had her phone open and in speaker mode. her friend's tinny, amplified voice filled the waiting area.

phone: what you doin' girl?

girl: mm. just waitin' in this here line at the dmv.

phone: oh shit girl, you gonna be there foreva.

girl: mm hmm.

phone: you got all you papers n' shit?

girl: oh yeah girl, i ain't gonna stand here alll day'n not have my papers.

phone: oh that's good. you know they be needin' more papers now. my sister, she got this friend, he made her fake papers and they don't look twice. she get her id n' shit.

girl: no shit!


another woman on her cell phone: listen, baby. you got to get your money from him. uh huh. listen to me. you go and you get that kid a dna test. uh huh. mm hmm. no it's free. listen, i know cuz that's where i got mine done. uh huh. all these fukas lookin at me funny now cuz i talkin all loud about child support and shit all loud in this goddamned line. THAT'S RIGHT FUKAS I'M TALKIN BOUT CHILD SUPPORT.

after three hours in the line you reach a point where you turn a corner and can see the desk. it's at this point that you realize that there is only one woman working behind a desk. for many people this was a breaking point. in hushed disbelieving tones, one person after another takes in this revelation. 'wha..? there's only..? how can..? they only got one woman..? but..? why would they...? how can they do that?' i think it must be a great entertainment for the guards, to watch people turn the corner and either fill with rage or hopelessness.

finally, when i get up to the desk, the lone woman, the single arbiter of out of state transfer driver's licenses for new york city blankly looks at the series of documents i've spread out before her.


lone woman: ooh.

me: yes?


lone woman: lemme see.


lone woman: uh oh.

me: yes?

lone woman: well shoot.

me: yes?


lone woman: i ain't got no paper clips.


she pushes her chair away from the desk. hands on the armrests. endless shifting of weight. getting out of chair like molasses. step. pause. step. pause. step. pause. after twenty step pauses she disappears down the hallway.

an eternal two minutes later i see her enormous bosom peek from around the corner. she is holding a small box of paper clips. step. pause. step. pause x20.

and molasses lowering back into the chair.

she fiddles with the box.

lone woman: shoot. this thing.


lone woman: lorraine, you got scissors?

lorraine: what?

lone woman: you got scissors?

lorraine: what you need scissors for?

lone woman: i ran outta paper clips.

lorraine: so you gonna use scissors?

lone woman: (bursting into laughter) ooooh! shooot! how you think i'm gonna do that? girl you crazy! woo!

lorraine: how i know what you gonna do? girl you say you don't got no paper clips then you say 'lorraine you got scissors?' what i'm supposed to think!?

lone woman: hoo hoo! shoot! hoo! no girl.. ooh! no girl. i just hahah. i just gotta. woo! i just gotta open the box. never mind. i got it.

my papers are clipped, finally, and i am sent to wait another half hour for my picture to be taken. then i wait another half hour to get my temporary license. finally, i am free. and if the license doesn't officialy make me a new yorker, the experience of getting it does.


beware of the exploding black woman, xbw.

my friend dana was waiting in the dressing room line at macys.

dana: excuse me, are you in line?

xbw: fuckin white bitch! i'll stand wherever i want! fuckin white bitch ain't gonna tell me where to stand! hell yes i'm in this line and ain't nothin you gonna do about it! fuckin' white bitch! i will fuckin' smack you!


i was on the escalator yesterday. common courtesy is to stand to the right, walk to the left.

man in front of me: excuse me miss, can i get by?

xbw: why in the hell you on an escalator if you gonna walk, muthafucka?!

man behind me: it says stand to the right.

xbw: i! stand! where! ever! the fuck i want! don't you fuckin' tell me where to stand. i'm here to ride, fucka! i'm gonna ride! how you gonna get off tellin' me what to do, fucka!?

it's unfair to single out only the exploding black women. in new york city there are exploding everythings.


xbm (exploding blind man): get the fuck out of my way! what the fuck is wrong with you, you fuckin' blind!?


xjm (exploding jewish mother): excuse me! exCUSE ME! where's the goddamed bathroom!? you walk into a place you expect there to be a GODDAMNED BATHROOM!


starbucks employee: sir, you can't take the entire jar of sugar.

xhm: (exploding homeless man): GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!


as a struggling everyman in new york city, there really is nothing better than knowing someone who knows someone who can get you into a party. it's all about being someone's 'plus one.'

my friend claire took me to the premiere of 'stage beauty' last night.

it was at the paris theatre next to the plaza hotel.

there are many celebs. robert deniro is five seats over to my left. liam neeson is in the row in front of me. janice dickinson says liam neeson's penis is the size of an evian bottle. this is all i can think about. anna paquin is behind me. rupert everett is in front of me. lookin old. claire danes walks by. i go to get popcorn and there's billy crudup telling laura linney how awesome ben shenkman is. and there's ben shenkman. and and the woman who played grandma in the addams family movies. and that woman who played adrien brody's mom in 'the village.' and and is that colin firth? no, it's not colin firth, says claire. but he looks kinda like colin firth. colin firth would not be sitting alone like that. ben chaplin is hot hot hot. but has big features and is kind of muppety, says claire. claire danes is stunning in person. and so is anna paquin. on film they are attractive, but never really struck me as hot. here, they are hot. the most interesting thing about the eveing is comparing people to their on-screen appearance. joan rivers is terrifying. she looks like a shriveled hag wearing an inflatable skin mask. seriously: little old lady eyes peeking out of prosthetic makeup. shriveled elderly wormstress being escorted through the building in a young person suit. oh there's michael musto. ew.

the red carpet is an interesting affair. the photographers stand over to the side and yell out for celebs they recognize to pose, as with ashley and mary-kate at the 'new york minute' premiere. sometimes there are two entrances - one for celebs, one for nobodies. the party had only one entrance, so if photographers wanted to take pics, the entire line was held up until they got everything they needed. we had to wait while a parade of celebs and some people i've never seen or heard of before got their pictures taken. celebrity wranglers yanked people back out of the way of the cameras and ashleigh banfield and her unnaturally hot husband were photographed. then the carpet was opened up to us. we walked. the photographers took a break. silence. crickets. we walked the red carpet, step step step, almost to the end. how could i help but hope that maybe one of those photographers might mistake me for -someone- and start shouting out for me to turn this way turn that way look up here look over to the left give claire a hug go home with rupert everett look to the right.

paparazzi 12: gabby! gabby! a picture? gabby!

gabby was behind us. i have no idea who gabby was. she looked vaguely familiar. she was probably in some movie somewhere. oh. this is who gabby is. whatever. she spent a long time chatting with anna paquin later.

the party was at the asprey store on 5th avenue. three stories of overpriced crap for rich people. weird having a premiere at a store, but that's what happens when a corporate sponsor is willing to foot the bill for a party. 4x6 picture frame: $800. pen: $650. suitcase: $3300. ridiculous. spent most of the evening chasing around the model boys passing around the food. and subtly trailing billy crudup through the party so as to look at him as much as possible. he's a surprisingly tiny man. you could squish him. he had an unkempt goatee, and wore a nice suit with ratty black sneakers. on anyone else it would be lame.

oh yeah, the movie was great too.

goodbye marion crane

in a sad bit of news, janet leigh has died.

it's because of janet leigh (and alfred hitchcock) that my friend adrienne had to bleach her hair brittle brittle platinum, be stabbed by my friend max with a knife made out of aluminun foil, and then be doused with ketchup. in jennifer hausle's basement guest bedroom we filmed weekend after weekend, and on the day we finally shot the murder scene the smell of the ketchup crusting over on itself on her costume made all of us nauseous. i've still got the tapes. one day i'll edit the whole video together.

in janet's honor, all today's pics will be black and white.

dad was in town yesterday to perform magic in battery park city. was great to see him.

there were germans there.

hot germans.

random subway pic

the apple store

nothing soothes the soul and eases the mind like a trip to the apple store.

clearly a gay man is behind the design and hiring of this store. the place is like club monaco, except for computers. all the sales people are men. and they are all so goddamned cute.

i bought a 200 gig hard drive. enough for like five hundred thousand songs. it may give me the space to attempt some video editing.. we shall see. anyway the guy who sold me the thing smiled this curly bonde aw shucks wet puppy dogs in a sudsy barrel smile when he said 'that'll be $246,' and i swear he actually said 'hi, can we roll around naked in freshly laundered sheets like the snuggle bear?'

there also happened to be a seminar featuring many notable nyc photobloggers, which was super super cool. very weird to suddenly be in a room with over a hundred people not unlike yourself. all of them the type of person who carries their camera around everywhere they go, then runs home to post the latest cool thing they snapped. unfortunately i'm just out of frame in the pic above. i was temped to take out my camera and snap pictures of people snapping pictures of people snapping pictures to post on their blog about snapping pictures, but that would just invite about twenty levels of redundancy. it was fun, though, and inspiring. makes me want to post more pics. and it's great to look at other work - see how uniquely other people see things, and to keep working to see the unique -whatever- in my surroundings, to keep my eyes open, and to see more detail.

wtc memorial fence. click for full resolution.

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