the awesome/terrifying freedom

out here, somewhere, figuring it all out.

gawker took down the pictures of 'playing it straight' guys hanging out in gay bars. did fox threaten them? curious..

i'm so annoyed by the 'new false-conservative television.' part of my morning routine is to watch vh1 and mtv, flipping between videos as i eat my apple jacks. well, a favorite of mine, 'this love' by maroon 5 has been tampered with in the post-janet boobie era. now there are swirling flower petals that sneakily mask all the, what, naughty bits? except there really weren't any naughty bits to begin with. all they cover is cleavage and the skin of a girl's back. except this morning on mtv there were no flower petals. so are there only flower petals on vh1? this makes no sense.

in addition to that, they bleep out the word 'coming.' as in 'keep her coming every night.'

there was no need to bleep out 'coming over you' in 'semi charmed life,' or 'cum on your lips, some on your tits' in eminem's 'without me.'

so, it's all about context, but how exactly is that context determined?

do we need to bleep 'come away with me,' 'come together,' and 'come fly with me?'

kudos to the porn industry for co-opting a harmless word and making it dirty dirty dirty.

see, the problem with making a show that puts gay guys back in the closet is that they've probably been waaay out of the closet up until that point. and any homo who wants to be on tv that bad will probably be the kind of homo who likes to get his picture taken shirtless at a gay bar.

this weekend i watched the final episode of 'oz,' which was kind of traumatic, and left me with a deep sense of loss, even more than losing 'sex and the city.' for four months i've been watching every episode, amazed that i completely missed this exquisite series while it was actually on the air.. and now it's 'over.' i should have stretched it out a little more..

which is why i've never seen 'strangers on a train.' i watched every hitchcock movie with my dad when i was growing up - and once we'd seen all of his 'golden era' classics, i mourned that there would be no more. so i'm saving 'strangers on a train' for.. well, for my deathbed maybe?

what i loved about 'oz' was its very real depiction of male love - how it differs from 'gay' love, and how the lines between affection, desperation and attraction can be blurred in the closed environment of prison.

plus it's also really hot. especially with that chris meloni. and all those penises. and all that raw violence. it really got to the essence of the primal drives of the human male as animal. brilliant.

i was a little disinterested by last week's 'deadwood,' but found my interest peaked this week with the reintroduction of on-screen penises to the hbo sunday evening.

oh, speaking of male love, i watched the horrendous 'playing it straight' on friday, where as a teaser, the broken arm moment was played yet again. it makes me sick. watching this guy get carted off to the hospital is now a 'selling point' and a 'coming attraction' for the show. and even worse i find myself tuning in hoping that 'this will be the one with the broken arm!!'

the show forces the gay men back into the closet, and gives them the job of deceiving a girl. it's wrong on so many levels. at least 'boy meets boy' forced straight men into a discomfort zone that was a reversal of social mores, teaching us all 'valuable' lessons and allowing us to go aww at the end of each day as a striaght guy came away with a small idea of what it means to be in the closet. but this show only perpetuates already dangerous attitudes - that the very definition of 'playing it straight' means 'playing at homophobia.'

i know i know, the intended lesson of the show is that as each nelly straight guy and each strapping homo are kicked off, we are 'forced' to reevaluate our perceptions of people based on behavior, but the lesson is too little too late, and the 'oppressors' - the straight men leave each episode only having learned that they'd better stop using a blow dryer or they'll never date a woman again, and the gay men leave the show only having learned what they knew all along - that lying about who you are, and allowing someone to develop feelings for you based on a lie, feels really shitty at the end of the day, and if it wasn't worth lying about to avoid being disowned by your parents, it's probably not worth lying about to win a million dollars.

i hear matt rogers was kicked off. and was in the bottom 3 with camille and diana. i have faith in america again.

i'm one step closer towards becoming an asian tv personality. yesterday morning i shot two hosting segments for imaginasiantv's .sales reel. they seemed to like me, and promised that they would be calling when the actual show goes into production sometime during the summer. we shall see - in the meantime, it's always great to be in a studio - and to still feel the novelty of the experience, the joy of the craft service table, the glee of watching jaded techies begrudgingly adjusting the lights and cleaning marks off of the green screen, learning to use the teleprompter, and realizing that what you think looks like natural behavior is in fact you, making a series of horribly ugly faces.

so i have added sympathy for some of those american idol kids, who haven't yet learned to control their nerves - because the tiniest bit of nervousness can be masked from the stage, but on screen you look like a stammering idiot. poor red headed johnny, and poor jon peter lewis who absolutely cannot sing. and man, country music night is the worst night of the entire american idol competition, but somehow, inbelievably, latoya london did the countriest song ever (that mealy mouthful of garth brooks josh gracin destroyed with unfocused oh-so country energy last year) and managed to make it work. only the pink haired girl had a comperable night - sounding great, looking great, and saving her pink haired self for another week.

yoanna is america's next top model. i missed shandi's kickoff. the thing i'll miss most is tyra saying 'one step closer to becoming america's next top model' 'america's next top model.' you're one step closer towards becoming america's next top model.' there was an incapability on the show of saying 'you might win.' no, tyra must say 'you're journeying down the road that winds through many obstacles until you arrive at a proverbial staircase, which you will ascend, and with each placement of your foot above the other, you position yourself in a locale that is different from that which you began, a position ONE STEP CLOSER TOWARD BECOMING AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL.'

except the phrase has been spoken so many times that some syllables get left out. the final version is more like 'congrasion, yonestep closetoe com'amerca's nestop modl.'

i only saw the final minutes of american idol last night, when leah labelle was rightfully eliminated. should jennifer hudson been kicked off, i would have had to boycott the show. well maybe not boycott, but i would have had to watch the show with even more intense hatred for middle america and the idiotic teenage girl voters who seem to inexplicably love john stevens.

dolan says john peter lewis is adorable and tells me to shut up. yeah, he's cute, and funny, and a shitty singer, which is too bad. i actually think he could have a career as an actor. he's sort of a sam rockwell type. but american idol? no.

it's funny, a year later, and clay aiken appears on american idol again, and my website hits skyrocket with 'clay aiken gay' searches again.

watched survivor for the first time since the season premiere - man, that jerri manthey bugs the tar outta me. she says she wants to go on the show to right the wrongs that were done her via editing and backstabbing the first time around, and yet here she comes off just as hateful and lazy as the first time, coupled with an oh so charming vindictiveness.

which got me thinking about assholes and bitches on reality tv - say you're a genuine asshole or bitch. and you go on a reality show. and that show exploits your assholishness or bitchiness and broadcasts it to the world, and the world says 'wow, you're an asshole/bitch!" it seems that it is then the asshole/bitch's duty to go on every talk show, playboy interview, etc.. and blame the producers or the editors, or the contestants - because a true asshole/bitch is never guilty of anything. my question is - does the asshole/bitch know that they are truly, deep down an asshole/bitch? and if so, do they also secretly enjoy the world's hatred while pretending not to be asshole/bitches? or.. are they so mired in their own experience that they cannot fathom how their actions could ever be construed as asshole/bitchiness - that they truly acted in the best possible way while on the show, and then blame the editors, producers, co-stars because hey, who else could it be? do they watch themselves six months later in amazement at how their actions which at the time were so right, are now played out so clearly in the wrong. are they so mired in their own existence that they can't see outside it and judge themselves with an outside eye?

someone found my blog today by typing "how to groom pubic hair" into msn search. very carefully my friend, very carefully.

it was the best night ever for american idol - with only a handful of mckibbins in the top 12. it's attack of the black divas - and if america votes sensibly, the final few weeks will be an amazing showdown. all of the men are terrible, unwatchable, horrible. george huff is alright, but c'mon. next to fantasia and latoya there's no contest. and why does simon like that bland red haired kid so much? why does america like that bland red haired kid so much? why to red and purple haired kids always do so well on american idol despite a huge lack of talent? ah the mysteries of the world..

george huff is gay. so is the red haired kid. oh, and so is that football playing 'uncle.' and jon peter lewis is gay - as in 'gaywad."

someone found my blog today by typing 'masturbation causes carpal tunnel syndrome" into yahoo search.

i'm sad that they didn't find much advice here. my initial thought is that no, masturbation does not cause carpal tunnel because of the nature of the action. it's really more of an arm movement than a finger or wrist movement, so the worst you might hope for is a case of tennis elbow. of course this all depends on your particular technique. are you feeling any specific pain? i am so sue johansen.

in defiance of my permanence i vow to write more on my blog. let be said, let it be done. whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

i'm making a binder. the tab dividers infuriate me. they go from a to z, but there is an extra tab between 'm' and 'n' labelled 'Mc.' an extra tab for the mcwhatevers? are these dividers manufactured in ireland? is 'mc' so common? why isn't there an extra tab before 'o' called "o-apostrophe?"

in the end this will all be worth it. i've been working 40/hrs a week for the last year with no health insurance and no sick or vacation pay. it's time to pony up and get what i can get.

i watched the first episode of sex and the city last night. they talk to the camera. very weird. glad they cut it. it was like the first episode of 'six feet under' with those commercials that didn't quite work.

today i was talking with some members of the theatre company and in describing someone i found myself using the phrase 'well, someone has to be the omarosa.'

the woman has entered the cultural lexicon.

in other news i auditioned to be the asian carson daly yesterday for a new all-asian television network premiering in august. it was fun. i had to do a camera test while reading the top five videos off of cue cards and riffing on the bands, making up facts about them and riling up the imaginary 'trl' crowd. how much would i love being able to quit my new perm job to be an asian tv personality? a whole damn lot, that's how much.

the network is called 'imaginasianTV.' which makes me cringe to say it. and it makes everyone cringe when i tell it to them. and i bet you just cringed when you read it, right? hint: don't give your national network a name that makes people cringe. it's right up there with 'gay-sian' 'decorasian' 'decoriental' and 'rice queen.' god, no term gets me more furious than 'rice queen.' ick. it makes me think of my mother, presiding over the rice paddys she grew up in with a crown and scepter.

okay, i'm watching 'playing it straight,' during which i'm filled with alternating feelings of glee and revulsion. well, mostly revulsion.

i hope to god she picks a gay guy. judgments are about sexuality are being made based on who has a blow dryer, and who shaves his legs, and who was unlucky enough to end up in the 'pink' room in the house. so far, it's a pathetic step backwards. what worries me most is this initial coloring of the gay contestants as deceitful and manipulative. 'how could those evil homos do this to such a pretty girl???' jackie even says 'i mean they're gay, they're just after the money.'

i'm also totally disturbed by the shot of one guy audibly getting his arm broken during an arm wrestling match. ugh.. i mean, the actual sound of someone's bone snapping.. far more disturbing than janet's boobie.

so jackie's gonna get rid of all the effiminate ones first - and thankfully, wonderfully both of the limp-wristers she eliminated were straight. and in that moment millions of americans simultaneously question their preconceptions of homoness.

ha - they have a 'closet confessional.'

so, on monday - my temp life is temporarily over.

on monday, i will no longer be a temp. i will be a part-time perm.

i will be a perm.

i got my mailbox, nameplate, voicemail, and email today.

i'm terrified.

tonight is the greatest night of television ever created. american idol. america's next top model. queer eye. the daily show. from eight o'clock to eleven thirty my ass will planted on that goddamn couch.

i saw omirosa on the today show after she got kicked off and it just drove me crazy. she is pychotic. she basically said "every reality show has the same depiction of black women - that we are controlling, moody, and difficult. isn't time we moved beyond that? i mean, come on."

the interviewer asked her "so are you saying then that you were misrepresented on the show? that it was editing that made you look this way?"

omirosa avoided making any solid judgement and continued "shouldn't we move past that?"

somehow i don't think editing played much of a role in making all the remaining contestants jump for joy when your difficult, manipulative, psychotic ass got booted.

bill maher has some interesting things to say about gay marriage on chekit when you get a chance. he brings up the very good point that almost all discomfort with gayness is centered around men being together, not women. he also brings up that legal compromises throughout history have resulted in some of the most nonsensical laws like "a slave is three fifths of a person." so his conclusion is that we should enfore yet another compromise and ban gay marriage, but concede on lesbian marriage.

gay marriage is very exciting, but what worries me is a force that really could tear the fabric of our culture and society apart: gay divorce. i can't imagine anything more vicious.

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  • 5: the man of genius

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  • 2: what lies below

  • 1: where there is no path

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