the awesome/terrifying freedom

out here, somewhere, figuring it all out.

geek talk

i'm really really really excited about king kong.

in high school and undergrad i dabbled in some 3-d rendering, animation, and graphics. i managed to make a texture-mapped velociraptor run fairly convincingly across the screen, and i used my skills to design several cgi-based posters:

i've been following the production of kong on kongisking since january. now just take a look at kong's tooth here:

there is more information and detail in that tooth than there is in my entire 'into the woods' poster. and that's not even counting the astonishing hair rendering on kong. i'm truly impressed - and knowing that they used the identical process (and actor) to create gollum.. we can be certain that this amazing 3-d model will turn in a fantastic performance. in a sense, we're still watching a man in a suit - it's just that the suit has been applied to the actor digitally. i love it.

check out full res kong here!

the bluebird of happiness

i think six feet under is best when it allows its characters to feel a realistic blend of happiness and despair. last night's episode, while remaining character driven (thank you!) once again dipped its toes into the deep end of melodrama. and perhaps the metaphor of the bird in the house was intended to show us how these people deal with happiness, or beauty: they're just not comfortable with it. god knows i can relate to that. i'd love to see these people actually learn though. at least david and keith remain mostly functional.

don't get me wrong. it's still the best show on tv.

favorite moment was ruth to claire: this is NOT ABOUT YOU!!

i've never been in the parade before - holy crap what a difference! if you haven't done it, i highly recommend it. it's likely i will march again next year with the same contingent: campaigning for sean patrick maloney for attorney general in 2006.

there's something amazing about walking down the middle of 5th avenue, with this impossibly tall canyon of buildings stretched out in front of you, receeding all the way to the vanishing point.

in the purple shirt is my friend gennaro, who got me involved, and who is also involved with stonewall democrats. wow politics is cool. it's an art form, really, and it's amazing to watch the pros at work. gennaro saved the day when he had to get a back-up generator for the dj booth on the back of the truck for our section of the parade.

what's also really cool about being in the parade is that you get to see just how big it really is, and how many people come out to watch, and how many different kinds of people come to watch - crowds stretched out on either side of the street from 57th down to the village. it's amazing. and the crowds change as you move downtown. in the 50's you get old people sitting on chairs they brought from home, then the 40's is all tourists, then the 30's into chelsea is scary shirtless guys, then once you hit the village it's lovely shirtless guys. the only drawback is that you don't get to see any of the other floats.

sean and his partner randy are really quite amazing. in addition to both being highly accomplished, they've been together forever, and have adopted three kids. they're total role models and such perfect, media-friendly faces for the struggle to legalize marriage.

there were exactly 4 protesters along the parade route. a couple people carrying signs that said 'repent,' and 'you're going to hell' and such. there was one guy with a sign saying the koran condemnded us, another person saying jesus hates us, and another person saying we're going against judiasm. so everyone was pretty well represented.

i hope sean wins in 2006. it would be a huge stride.

LIA investigated..

more disgusting rules

sorry, i can't get off the love in action story yet. he's supposed to be out by now, right? is this legal? can parents legally submit their children to this kind of thing? how is child abuse defined by the state? i'm reading the rules. here's more gems:

All new Refuge clients will be placed into Safekeeping for the initial two to three days of their program. A client on safekeeping may not communicate verbally, or by using hand gestures or eye contact, with any other clients, staff members, or his/her parents or guardians. In case of a practical need, Safekeeping clients may write down their question or request and show it to another client, staff member, or their parent or guardian. Writing may only be used when absolutely necessary. Parents and guardians must enforce their child¹s safekeeping status at home or in their temporary lodging.

Men may not wear any jewelry (other than a watch and a wedding band) unless approved through a C.O.C. In addition to a watch and wedding band, women may also wear a pair of simple earrings (one earring per ear.) The clients may not wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing, undergarments, or accessories.
Men: Shirts are to be worn at all times, even while sleeping. T-shirts without sleeves are not permitted at any time, whether worn as an outer garment or an undergarment. This includes ³muscle shirts² or other tank-tops. Bikini-style underwear is prohibited.
Women: Bras must be worn at all times, except while sleeping. Thong-style underwear is prohibited.

No television viewing, going to movies, or reading/ watching/ listening to secular media of any kind, anywhere within the client¹s and the parent¹s/guardian¹s control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc. are not considered Christian). The only exception to the media policy is the weekly movie.

On-Level Rules

³On-Level² is a protective and therapeutic measure that is sometimes implemented between clients who are having relational difficulties.

1. On-level clients may not speak to each other unless there is a potentially life-threatening emergency.

2. On-level clients are to spend no time alone with each other.

3. On-level clients are not allowed to ride in the same car unless C.O.C. permission has been granted, in which case, one must sit in the front of the car, and one must sit in the back of the car.

4. On-level clients, whenever in the same room, must always have exactly one person between them, whether sitting or standing. Planned activities such as church, Open Meetings, and socials are no exception.

5. On-level status can be initiated by any staff member or house manager.

6. On-level status can be removed only by Executive Staff.

music music music

marissa tagged me!

here's my top 6 current songs!

the power of orange knickers: tori amos (w/ damien rice!)
feel good: gorillaz
go it alone: beck
since u been gone: ted leo
whatsername: green day
all these things that i've done: the killers

sony is an idiot. did you hear about fiona apple's new cd? once again, i'm waay behind on this story.. how they've been holding it from release for forever now? it's the stupidest thing they could have done. fans were upset enough to start a 'free fiona' campaign to get the album released - well now it's been leaked on the net, and anyone who wants it can download it for free - and sony has lost any opportunity to make even one cent back because it's not in stores or on itunes. stupid stupid stupid! wake up sony! even if you don't like the album, you stand to at least gain something by releasing it, and releasing it to the itunes store would cost you NOTHING. it's the information age!

the album is brilliant by the way. i'm tempted to write a check for $10 and send it to fiona herself. nobody does internal rhymes the way she does.


the gay teen brainwash camp.

"Yes! Just read the testimonies of people like myself, who struggled deeply with homosexuality and are now experiencing true freedom in Christ. Will the attractions ever completely go away? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I no longer have to give in to temptations because I have true, lasting, indisputable freedom."
~ Michael Miller, 8-week Refuge client

love inaction

have you guys heard about this story? my old friend mike ditto has been blogging about it for awhile, and thankfully, it's finally getting some attention. i feel pretty ashamed that i didn't know about it sooner.

reading this kid's blog - god, it hurts. it's so easy now, isn't it, to forget the turmoil of the coming out period; that deep deep pain of knowing that once you tell your parents, there's no going back, and you can only hope that you won't be rejected. but being rejected might be better than being thrown into one of the creepiest, most deeply disturbing places imaginable: a brainwashing camp for gay teens.

mike has picked out some highlights from the camp rules:
“Refuge clients are allowed a one-time 15-minute maximum closed bathroom door time for shower/grooming purposes. The only other closed-door alone time allowed is for using the restroom”

“Clients may have no contact with anyone who has left the program prior to graduating without the blessing of the staff to do so. Clients may address off-limit persons they inadvertently encounter with a polite ‘hello’ only.”

“Any belongings, appearances, clothing, actions, or humor that might connect a client to an inappropriate past are excluded from the program. These hindrances are called False Images (FI’s). FI behavior may include hyper-masculinity, seductive clothing, mannish/boyish attire (on women), excessive jewelry (on men), mascoting, and ‘campy’ or gay/lesbian behavior and talk.”

'but i'm a cheerleader' made these places seem like absurdly comic concoctions, but it's all too real. it's called 'love in action' and it makes me sick to my stomach. it's pure hate through the guise of love, concern, and rehabilitation.

if a poor, self hating adult homo wants to try and subject themselves to the torture requred to cure himself of carnal attractions to men, then go for it. do what you want. but this is the sally jesse raphael 'troubled teen boot camp' for gay kids, and it's not funny and it's child abuse.

too busy

according to this one quiz, i do not have a boyfriend because i am 'too busy.'

interestingly, no blame is given to the fact that i'm filling out quizzes for 13 year old girls.

i read 'in the penal colony' by kafka last night. have you read it? holy crap is that disturbing. you know kafka was looking at an embriodery machine and was like 'you can totally do that with a person in there.'

mutants for the species war

we have a six-legged, two penised (penised?) dog


the two headed cat

new music rocks

i didn't realize i had so much catching up to do.. so i packed my ipod with all new stuff:

tori: beekeeper
ben folds: songs for silverman
gorillaz: demon days
coldplay: yeah, that new one
beck: guero

my roommate has the entire radiohead catalog, which i uploaded. wow. i guess i'd been willfully avoiding them, but i'm finding i love it.

i found a live track of ben folds and rufus wainwright singing 'careless whisper.' so awesome.

also, you must get ted leo singing solo with his guitar: since u been gone

it's all inspired me to sit at the keyboard again..

trains of yore

went to the transit museum yesterday. was pretty cool. they have one each of the different subway trains that have been in the system for the past 100 years. they were all in pristine condition, which was cool, but i wish they had kept one of the graffiti-covered trains from the 80's. those truly are a relic of the past.

she must be destroyed

"i'm cute little dakota fanning. i will find the saddest place in your soul and dwell there for all eternity. can i have some jello?"

did you see the mtv awards last night? dakota fanning terrifies me. i mean, i'm seriously creeped out. i mean, she gives me the willies. her face plate should be taken off and inspected for the little aliens that are driving her. or she is clearly involved in some body switching curse/spell/deal with the devil. some aging actress (susan sarandon? lucille fletcher?) has obviously downloaded their consiousness into that tiny girl shell in attempt to sweep up more awards/rule the earth in a dark reign of terror.

did you hear how the audience got really quiet about halfway through her speech? it was at about the point that she thanked robert deniro for making every day fun on the set, and her agents for bringing the script to her, and her dear husband jeff for watching their two kids taylor and caitlin during the strenuous shooting schedule. yes, that silence that was the collective sound of thousands of people realizing at once that they are being addressed by the antichrist.

fanning: ...and so thank you again to the wonderful people at mtv. i think what you do is so important. we truly must all reach out to the younger generation!



audience: BURN HER! BURN HER!

i have no calves

i've never had calves. i've done those agonizing exercises and was never able to get calves.

did you see that mtv special with the guy who got calf implants? the guy who was like 'i'm totally perfect except for my calves, dude. i gotta do it for the ladies'? that guy? remember him?

and how he had to use a walker for a month?

and remember how happy he was with the surgery and you honestly could not tell any difference between the before and after pics?

yeah, he does gay porn now.

yummy. i want calf implants too!


have you seen dogville?

it's about this nice lady who comes to a small village in which their houses are drawn out like little cubicles in chalk on the ground.

she offers to help out with odd jobs in exchange for a place to stay.

the town says 'thanks, but we really can't think of anything for you to do.'

but once the town realizes they have a free slave on their hands, they immediately pile every job they can think of on top of her.

eventually she is tied to a wagon wheel, kept in a barn and repeatedly raped at the discretion of the men and to the mild but accepting consternation of the women.

been thinking of that movie a lot.

eyes open

i hate that feeling that i've been blinded.. that creative energy just won't come.. that there was a time when i could look at something, anything, and see a composition, hear a song, have something to say, basically be inspired.. up and down up and down, right? i think i write this exact same post at least twice a year, the 'i'm uninspired' post.

drawing the cartoons has become increasingly difficult to do. why is that? i could look at a stapler and think of something funny for it to say. i'd spend the whole subway ride sketching postage sized drawings to go with my latest punchlines.. where did they go? am i done with cartoons? the next thing will come.. it always does.. it'll wake me up again and i'll start pooping creative shit all over the place.

it has something to do with maslow's hierarchy.. i need basic stability before i can open my eyes and really start to look around..


i must have one.

(i'll need a 3rd gen ipod first, ok?)

six feet under is always best when it's character based. glad to see a return to form. there was something epic, sad, about hearing the theme music again last night, after so long, and knowing it will be the final season. maybe it's pathetic, but i'm so attached to the show. even during the missteps, i love it for its flaws. i defend it to the end. it premiered when i moved to the city, and has been there with me through every up and down, relationship and breakup, success and failure. rob used to say that the show was like church, and it was, especially during the third season - it was the church i needed - one that tries to find a spirituality in our chronic skepticism.

more later.

between 'the comeback,' 'entourage,' and 'unscripted' - i may never act again. thanks hbo.

i'm working on an epic new website for myself - about 25 pages in all, covering my poster, web and photography portfolios, cartoons, short films, acting resume, acting reel, music (however dated), etc. it's all very glossy and pretentious. but i'm about to be 30 fucking years old, i'm allowed to be glossy and pretentious, right? ok maybe not. but it's about time i put some of my design energy into promoting myself, right? it's time i like work toward making money doing something i enjoy, right?

damn right.

smells like

those little white flowers that smell like cum are in bloom.

and stop pretending that's not what you immediately think of when you walk by them.

it's a wrap

spent most of the day yesterday on set, finishing out my scenes in 'alicia in wonderland.' film is the most surreal thing ever. i have no idea if this movie will be any good - no idea at all. how the film plays depends entirely on how much we care about the main characters and how much we believe the romance.. and i've had no exposure to that. i didn't even get to see any of the final shots.. was it lit well? was it imaginatively shot? was there enough coverage? i have no idea. it could be really funny. it could also be horrible, horrible. won't know until october.. at least it will get me in imdb, right? it might be great, right?

suspense masterpiece

yes, wrong number has a dvd box.

film is nearly complete..

does anyone know what happened to jennifer rogers?

favorite moments from darth vader's blog:

"mood: irritable"

"Arrived at the Death Star. Spent the day in meetings. I need a stiff drink."

"I fell asleep for a while, but nobody could tell because of my masque."

"Okay, I admit it. I cut off the kid's hand. Everything went downhill after that."

posters posters posters

i'm doing posters for 5 shows coming up.. here's a work in progress..

post secret

i love post secret

i promise this one isn't mine.

i promise.

rent: the movie

saw the trailer for the 'rent' movie over the weekend.
it was basically a music video for 'seasons of love,' and it wasn't a bad music video at all.

it actually looks like it was filmed in new york, amazingly, considering that most of it was shot in san fran, and seeing most of the original cast does offset the sickly sugary feeling i get when reminded that 'curly sue' and 'baby's day out' director chris columbus is helming the thing.

i'm worried about the scenes.. i was sneaked a copy of the script, and the added dialogue to offset/replace some of the songs is pretty obvious and clunky. i have a bad feeling it will play like the 'phantom' movie did..

i hope i'm wrong. i hope i'm wrong about batman, too, though the new internet trailer seems to have a better sense of fun and adventure, where the old trailers seemed to have a sense of pretension. but is that only because the suits said 'it needs to look more fun!'? trailers are such a terrible way to evaluate a film. you can completely change the perception of a project by just redoing the voiceover and adjusting the music.

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