the awesome/terrifying freedom

out here, somewhere, figuring it all out.

goodbye, gates


whew. been watching my sitemeter like a hawk. so glad to see that i tipped back into my upswing today. thanks everyone who wanted to know that jared yates is a gaywad homo.

remember when

'the real world' was about people who had jobs? season 1 was: a writer, a dancer, a model, an artist, a rapper, a rocker, and becky. hmm.. what did becky do? and they were activists, all driving to a pro-choice rally in dc, and most of them were smart, and savvy. the idea was so good, and watching it while i was in high school was so inspiring. they even nearly cast dave eggers in season 3 - can you imagine? there's no goals anymore. what does landon want to do with his life? i have no idea. and these group jobs they drop on them, designed of course to keep them together to stir conflict, remove the cast from any of their real passions, assuming they have any.

don't get me wrong. i love watching hot people drink, fight, and hook up. but maybe they should start a new show, on the same principle that they started mtv2 - to get back to the roots and be truly documentary of people in their 20's trying to reach their goals.

late late late

one of the weirdest things about being late for work in new york is noticing that there is a whole different set of people on the train.

oh god yes, s, there's nothing worse than being asked 'what are you?'


anonymous is right.. 'ethnicity' is not the best word, but it's better than most. it does smack of the 'oriental' problem. maybe 'heritage' is a better way to ask the question? though i'd rather someone ask about my ethnicity than waffle around the question forever, trying not to insult me..

i'm glad

that jay won project runway. i loved kara saun's collection, but any way you slice it, she cheated. sorry dolan, i really wanted to like wendy, but by the end, no. she bugs the shit outta me. i liked her at first, when she really was the underdog, but as jay shows, not burning bridges and making enemies can sure be a help. if she was truly the underdog, if she'd done all her machinations, but never spilled them to the camera, she'd be fashion's clay aiken, celebrated for her tenacity instead of despised for it. for me she's more like latoya london. i was so happy for her when she won the banana republic challenge, and she was one of my favorites. but by the end, blah. she played a good game, but it's still important that people like you. go jay.

jared yates needs consoling

gay consoling.

my favorite reaction to being booted from idol so far:

stand with your hands on your hips, incredulous and fucking hating america for booting your ass.

'america, oh no you did not.'

a: sorry to bother you.

k: no bother.

a: it is. it's a bother. this chair.

k: yes.

a: this chair that i waited six weeks for.

k: yes.

a: well it's the wrong size.

k: what do you mean.

a: well, the whole point of getting the chair was so that it would be the right size. and this one is the wrong size.

k: did you tell v.

a: well i don't know who to tell. that was that whole point that it be the right size.

k: well let's call x and see where the mistake happened.

a: that was the whole point that it be the right size.

k: yes.

a: that was the whole point.

k: yes.

a: that it be the right size.

k: (on the phone) hi x, just calling to figure out what to do about this chair, i guess it's the wrong size, call me back.

a: that was the whole point of this.

k: yes.

a: that it be/

k: yes.

a: the right size.


didja have that moment in 7th grade on the first day of school when the teacher said 'papers written in pencil will NOT be accepted,' and it totally blew your mind because all through elementary school you had learned to write papers only in pencil so that you could fix your mistakes and now being told that you had to write in pen meant that mistakes would be permanent, there would be no erasing (unless you got erasable pens, which was cheating and sucked) and that from this point forward you had to be certain of your stokes? it was a major paradigm shift into adulthood and puberty and random boners in the middle of class and finding out that the other boys are waay more interested in the girls than you are. didja?

there are now nearly an equal number of searches to my blog for the names of american idol contestants and 'ethnicity' and there are for (insert ai contestant here) and 'gay.'

people want to know: is jared yates gay and hispanic? judd harris? homo italian? it is hard to tell, in this post-ethnic world, where names and facial features and skin tones no longer match up. my ethnicity detector is not as tuned as the gaydar, so i couldn't tell you polynesian from portugese, but i can tell you they are both certified hot dog inspectors.

i'm actually kind of impressed. 'ethnicity' is the correct word to use. so many people just do not know how to ask this question. i can't tell you how often i'll be at a party and someone will ask me 'so where are you from?" and i'll know instantly what they're really asking. i'm a bitch though and i always say 'colorado.'

i went to a big gay after-work mixer last night. everyone had a name tag with our professions written on it in black magic marker. mine said 'graphic designer.' there's nothing more fascinating that watching someone's face drop once they glance down (trying not to look like they're glancing down) and read that thing. you can almost hear them say 'oh. and you looked so promising too.' 'graphic designer' gets an even worse response than 'actor' did! next time i'll try 'producer.' or maybe 'cartoonist.' really i should just put 'hack.'

ps: dolan, you are fucking brilliant. the genius of your last blog entry screams to be made public.

see, i don't really pay attention to what ryan seacrest says. i thought last night was going to be results, but it was the girls. tonight is results. screw the girls anyway. i'll be missing the results tonight as well..

like magic..

..i ran into scott at best buy yesterday. this must be how new york works, that if someone is in your mind, eventually you will cross paths with them. if you google me and find my blog, hi scott :) it was a weird, sad moment. he saw me, i saw him, and instantly he knew i knew, and i knew he knew i knew. i wanted to cry. we hugged so tight. and a lotta old old college memories came rushing back. i asked him how he was and he said he's still here and i said that's good. he didn't look well. the moment, all forty five seconds of it was filled with an intensity, a panging of guilt and sadness and kindness and even a little anger. i told him to call me, that we'd have coffee. he said he would, that he'd like that. i hope he does. we parted ways rather quickly. he left the store. i was so distracted, i pretended to look at camcorders for a few minutes then went outside, breathed in the cold air and went home.

in other news

i am the #1 hit on google for 'jared yates gay.'

the good ol' days are back.

ok, well, before i start, lets look back to the days of the season 1 - where justin guarini would have been decimated by any one of these guys. oh except for that federov guy. guarini could take that kid.

nikko smith: who smith? nikko who? simon was right. zero charisma. glasses + hat = the boy with no face.

bo brice and constantine maroulis: the long haired angsties. simon says maroulis has more charisma. i disagree. though the way he glares at the camera and sings about roses on graves, maroulis does have a kind of charisma. the aileen wournous kind of charisma.

as for bo. eh. let's see how he does on motown night.

anthony federov makes my skin crawl. dolan is right. he is not gay. he is actually part of a very rare breed, same with that red haired boy from last year - he is a 'choir jock,' a breed that seems to evolve exclusively from church youth groups.

anwar robinson and david brown: one of these guys was really good, sang 'moon river.' the other one was boring and simon's comments visibly shook him. can't remember which is which. oh well.

judd harris: that hobbit kid from last year was weirdly cute enough to last a few weeks pulling out weird elvis covers like this, but judd is too bland to be remembered, or to even garner sympathy votes.

scott savol: yes, clay and rueben don't 'look like' american idols, but they both had charisma. ruben's charms seems to have since completely disappeared, but he did have an infectious, positive stage energy. scott's voice is nice, but no charisma. sorray.

joseph murena: change your name. for some reason i liked him even though he sang michael bolton in the style of michael bolton. and his online interview clip is cute in a long islandy way. can't tell yet if he's gay. i'm gonna say no at this point. gay boys do not sing michael bolton in the style of michael bolton.

travis tucker and jared yates: super cute, but both playing the guarini smile card a little too often. jared's online interview is horribly awkward. the kid can't seem to fathom that he's made it this far, and in a way that nearly says he'd rather not be there. i dunno. and his performance was soo enrique, which is not a compliment. oh, and the boy is gay. he's going to be amazingly hot in five years, and he's going to be sooo gay. jared yates is gay.

travis seems to be a funny, cute, affable, genuine guy. i think he'll make the top 12. not gay.

mario vasquez: yeah, he's good, but i'm a little non-plussed. he seems to be the favorite here in the office. i kinda feel like he can step into the chorus of 'rent' and stay there for ten years. probably gay.

when is it no longer ex?

there was a point where i stopped referring to n as my ex boyfriend, and instead as my friend. i realized that i was mostly calling him an ex so that i could signify to other people that at one point, (one very brief and strange point) he was mine. because during that time i really still wanted to be with him. and i knew that we had truly crossed over into friendville when i no longer felt the need to claim prior ownership.

and some people never cross over into post-ex friendville. they stay ex forever. as with b, i refer to him as my ex because of the shame i associate with having dated him, he remains ex forever as a reminder of my folly. there's also a twisted joy in telling people he's my ex. then their faces go '...really?' and i go '... i know.. i know.'

i was at a party with my most recent ex, this was very shortly after we had broken up, and were both trying very hard to maintain our mutual friends, and would show up at the same parties and overall have a nice time. in a lot of ways it was quite the same as when we were dating, we just didn't go home together. then one guy asked me:

guy: how do you know [the host of the party]?
me: oh, i met him through my ex boyfriend over there.

ex boyfriend sees that i've referred to him and he comes over.

guy: (to ex) oh. so you're joe's ex boyfriend.

ex boyfriend is taken aback. it's the first time the words have been spoken aloud.

ex: um. yeah. uh. i am.

and i get horrible guilty chills thorugh my body. why didn't i just say he was my friend?? why did i have to call him my ex? did i need to tell everyone? and then the guy, assuming that we were long broken up, makes it worse.

guy: so you guys used to date?


me/ex: um yeah./yeah.
guy: and now you're friends?


me/ex: yeah. uh huh./um. yeah.
gay: that's so great. that's really great. it's just the best, isn't it? so you guys dating other people now?


me/ex: um.. no./no. um.
guy: wait. when did you guys break up?


ex/me: about a month ago./yeah.


guy: oh. wow. sorry.


me: yeah.
guy: so you guys are still in that, like, weird place, huh?


ex: yeah.
guy: yeah, that weird place where you like don't know if you're gonna end up fighting or going home together at the end of the night? hahahah!


me: haha.
ex: heh.


me: yeah.

jared yates

i missed almost all of american idol except for the very end when each of the finalists got three seconds to dance around and whore themselves for the camera, in what is to become a lifetime of whoring for one 'lucky' winner.

the guys. have we gone back to the grunge years? voices schmoices i want hot boys. and this year there's really only one that i like - jared yates. though i have a feeling he will be condemned to the jd adams club of early dismissal obscurity. at least everyone in that club gets to bang kimberley caldwell.

so, who's gay? anthony federov is sorta gay. the ultra christian thing blocks the gaydar a tad. i haven't had a chance to really observe these people's behavior, so i'm making gay/not gay judgements based entirely on their pictures. i'm gonna say that mario vasques is gay. and judd harris is gay. and i'm pretty sure vonzell solomon is in my kickboxing class = lesbo. and mr. jared says he has clay aiken's cd in his cd player, which means he's a huge homo. huge.

awkward conversation hearts

a google search on them turns up nothing. has no one really thought of this? i want a bag of little candies that say:



















4 ME

(neal wrote some too)

once 'clay aiken gay' died down, that phrase generates more hits for my site than any other. and rightly so. looking for chris meloni naked? oz season 4, episode 6. now on dvd.

watched american idol. it really does amaze me how they can stretch thirty seconds of information into a full hour of television. 'you're out, you're in, you're out, you're in.' that's all the episode really was. i totally missed last week, so i don't have much background on these people. a lot of them sounded really strained in their final acapella auditions. that firecracker black lesbian with the hat and the mickey mouse voice? who's mother is going to eat the world if her daughter doesn't sell more records 'than any american idol in the history of american idol in the history of the world'? that girl is like scrappy doo.

a couple cute boys in the background. none of them were profiled. they must really suck. couldn't even tell if they were in the rooms that got passed through.

what is good, is that because they raised the age limit, there really is a better pool of talent. or at least the potential for a better pool. lets just hope they put the good people through.

i'm carrie fisher

aka 'script doctor.' i'm now engaged in a lengthy dialogue with s about her film. it's good that she does want to make it better.

i went through the entire day yesterday without mentioning valenfuckingtines day. va fucking len fucking tines fucking day. it's over i survived, had a nice night out with friends and didn't even break down into uncontrollable crying spasms that start out loud and moaning and then turn into contorted silent grimacing shakes.

i've not written a single thing on this blog about my ex boyfriend. we're still good friends and he pops in and reads occasionally. yesterday would have been our 3 year anniversary. we were together a year and a half. yesterday was also the official 'we've been apart as long as we were together' marker. it's really time to start dating in earnest.

my letter

hi s,

i was happy to read on your blog today that i was not the only person in the room who felt that some of the material in your script crosses over from 'broadly comic' to unintentionally offensive.

i think you have the basis for a fun story about different worlds colliding - but what i don't understand is why the world of gay men is portrayed as such a hostile, tortured, bitchy, female-loathing existence.

i have a feeling that when you wrote the script, you felt you were making use of these stereotypes to comment on them rather than perpetrate them. you wanted the script to begin with the stereotypes and then allow the characters to progress beyond them. but having read it, i didn't find this to be true.

my problem was that, as a gay man, i could not relate to the strange motivations of your gay characters. they seem only to want to party, dance to whatever song comes on, and to humiliate the women who express attraction to them. they play inexplicably cruel games with the women, behaving in ways that service your plot, but do not feel based in reality. and because you offer no other gay characters to 'balance' your portrayals, we have no choice but to take this as your view of gay male behavior.

which is the trouble - your world view as a writer is indistinguishable from that of the main characters. it is one thing to write a character who says offensive things only to be called out and corrected by another character, and another to have those stereotypes and ideologies go unchallenged.

you may want to put more thought into your use of racial jokes and stereotypes.

i'm puzzled by your middle eastern/hindu newpaper fight - what are you trying to say with this moment? your joke about the taxi driver possibly being a terrorist? why, as a writer, do you allow the taxi driver to let this woman get away with saying something so horribly ignorant?

i was deeply offended by your asian reporter named 'sum yung gai.' it's a cheap laugh concocted merely at the expense of an actor's ethnicity.

please, please don't get me wrong here - i LOVE offensive humor. sarah silverman is one of my favorite comics - she gets away with saying unspeakable things by being absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, crystal clear that she is mocking a system of belief, not partaking in it.

your plot point where aurora tempts a gay basher into her apartment so that he can beat up the gay men within was painful to sit through. there's not one line of dialogue to assure us that you don't agree with his ideology. that you would even have a character do such a thing - it goes beyond broad comedy into the realm of bad taste. my suggested fix is that aurora assumes the man down the hall is a gay basher - he comes into her apartment and all the boys recognize him as a regular at their club.

you've written a story of unlikeable characters who behave badly. was this your intention? it's absolutely *fine* if this was your intent - the work now must be on making that intention clear. i think 'sideways' is a perfect example of a well done film that portrays unlikeable characters behaving badly. 'closer' is another good example. those characters are so clearly drawn that we see their actions as theirs and not an expression of the author's ideology.

a more interesting take on your plot might be that the five women immerse themselves in gay 'culture' only to find that gay men have the exact same difficulties in finding good men. as is, your initial conflicts don't stem from misunderstanding - they stem from rudeness and presumption. what happens early on is that the audience is on the side of your five female leads who have been wronged by a group of gay men. the gay men are painted as the villains, and it seems as if the audience is meant to feel the relief of retribution when the women attempt their revenge on them. who's side are we supposed to be on?

so here's my suggestion: either both sides must be equally lacking in moral conviction (see the handling of julia robert's character in 'my best friend's wedding), or both sides must have the best intentions (rooted in reality) but which go horribly wrong.

i know it was not your intent to create a film in which the gay men are villains - but as it is now, this is the film i heard last night.

these are just some of my observations. i'm happy to be a part of your film, and even happier that you are willing to reexamine it to be sure it will become the final product you'd like it to be. i've worked as a script consultant on several occasions, and would love to continue this discussion with you in detail if you'd be interested.

thanks so much,
Joe LaRue

...the worst movie ever.

i'm not going to write her name, because she certainly googles herself, and if she found what i'm about to rant, well, she'd probably explode. but this movie i've been cast in is a well intentioned travesty. if she find this and fires me, great. if i end up shooting my one scene and get into imdb for it, great. i'm not going to pretend it's something it's not.

she cast the entire film based only on headshots. so she was surprised to discover that several of her leads could barely read, and/or did not look like their pictures.

all of us got our scripts for the first time. it was a cold reading. none of us knew the story, none of us knew what our characters were supposed to be doing.

she wrote herself a nice part, starring in the film. she wrote lines for other people to say to her, lines like:

"you are such a talented writer!"
"you are so beautiful!"
"you should star in a movie!"

she gave line readings and told a hispanic woman that her accent didn't sound natural, and that her lines sounded forced (never mind it was the first time the non-native speaker, and all the rest of us, had ever seen the script).

the script begins with a lengthy dedication to a woman who died of aids, helping many gay men who also died of the disease. she says that the script is a tribute to her and to those men.

well it makes for quite an interesting tribute. all the gay characters are shallow bitchy queens who harbor an inexplicable loathing for women. - a loathing that only someone with a peripheral, stereotypical understanding of gay men would ever write about. she paints them as vengeful, tortured people, then gives her character a weepy eleventh-hour monologue about how we must 'accept them for what they are.'

it got me angry listening as her 'plot' unfolded. and the script is filled with careless racial stereotypes as well as sexual ones - using broad strokes can be fine, if done right, but the problem is that her usage does not comment, it's just thrown in. she thinks she's commenting, but she's not. 'harold and kumar' make ample use of stereotypes to hilarious effect because of the savviness of the script, cast, writer, and director. no savvy here. there is a joke about a hindu taxi driver being a terrorist. there is an asian reporter named 'sum yung gai.' thank god i wasn't cast in that role, i really would not have accepted it. i feel bad enough playing the 'hispanic' security guard who makes some comment about going to a hospital where they treat jews.

ah, her blog has just been updated, and apparently others in the cast have expressed my same feelings to her. perhaps i will write her a letter after all.

what i never understood about 'risky business.'

i saw this movie when it first came on hbo.

it was 1983.

i was 8.

i knew this:

underwear slide.

naked woman at window.

car in water.


no panties on the train.


the end.

it's on cable now. i just realized what i never understood:

it's about hookers.

they weren't having a party, he was running a whorehouse.

on the train, they're having sex.

it's not about adults, it's about high school kids.
(everyone taller than me was an adult, so i made no distinction.)

tom cruise wears really gay cut off shorts. it's hot.
(ok, i did know that - even at 8)

oh god.

not long ago i discovered my college roommate in a gay porn movie.

i can't say i was surprised. he was a big man-ho when we lived together, and shortly after he graduated, he appeared in 'freshmen' magazine in a six page, um, spread.

i didn't see him again for years. a few months after i moved to nyc i ran into him on the street. we said hi, he gave me his number, i gave him mine, i never called, he never called.

then, a couple months ago i found him on a gay porn website, using the porn name that had been created for him when he posed in 'freshmen.' what was so shocking was that this was a brand of the dirtiest, unsafest, most irresponsible porn out there.

tonight i picked up the latest issue of 'hx' and a couple pages in is a large photo of scott, with a caption that says 'i believe in protecting my partners,' and at the bottom it says 'scott - positive since 2001.'

i just kind of froze. i just got home, and i just read his story. i'm filled with sadness.

in honor of valentine's day.

fuck you friendster. fuck you.


i'm looking at adopting a rock myself.

busy busy

like a fool i've agreed to design a million things for a million people, but it's way better to be busy doing artistic creative stuff than coming straight home after work, sitting on the couch watching the ashley simpson show and trolling friendster for dates.

i did this poster and this poster this week. oh and i'm also working on this website for my dear friend sj (i took that picture of her too!)

am i paula?

post auditions, we find ourselves locked in the room, battling it out. i needed a smoke afterwards, and, um, i really don't smoke. at all. oh and a drink. i needed a drink after. two drinks really. good news is that we have really hard decisions to make.

marcia marcia

missed american idol, which was traumatic. once the show gets going, i'm going to have to miss tuesday rehearsals, and that's all there is to it.

what the hell is going on with marcia cross? she's in she's out she's not? and who is this 'show insider' who says it's common knowledge in hollywood? very strange.. she must have made some poor jilted dyke really mad. you know what they say about a lesbian scorned: hell hath no furry.

i'm so excited about this show. sad that i'm not in it, but it's going to be amazing. i can't believe the calibur of people who auditioned for us. i sat in the back of the room watching, and thinking 'my god.. i'm sorta actually in a position to hire these people.' of course, we're only paying them $150, so the fact that they're even auditioning for it speaks volumes about what kind of team the company is able to bring together. so strange and amazing.

eat it, dolan

i'm sitting at home. it's late/early on saturday/sunday night/morning. i'm sitting at home in my room, not watching tv, amazingly, clicking through blogs and sitemeters, when an interesting question came to mind:

does my mood through the weeks and months correspond to my sitemeter ratings? is my blog more interesting to people during times in my life when i'm feeling upbeat, and more creative?

nah. it couldn't be. looking at the weekly, daily, and even monthly chart, it doesn't really apply. hits go way down on the weekends, and when i'm working on a show i don't really have time to blog anyway, so there are fewer posts. but then i looked at this.

woah. it's a perfect map of my elations and depressions over the past 12 months. it spikes when i'm dating someone or creatively productive (or in the case of august, in a play and dating someone. i had a *lot* of orgasms in august.) what happened after august? it's like i dropped off the face of the earth.

looks like i'm at the start of another upswing...

have a friend who's gonna help me get a meeting w/ a publisher for my cartoon book. very exciting. in fact, most of my blog energy has been directed into my cartoons.

auditions for the show were this weekend. it's such an education to watch good auditions, not like the early episodes of american idol where one in every 20 people is merely watchable - a good day of auditions, thanks to a great casting director, is like watching a jennifer/fantasia/latoya night. on the contrary, there are people who betray their suckitude withing uttering half a syllable. they seem uncomfortable. their paper is shaking. it doesn't seem like they even want you to look at them. it just makes your heart hurt.

there's an interesting dynamic that happens in the audition room - there's several people behind the table, and each of them has called in friends, or people they've worked with in the past. so when you walk into an audition by appointment, there are people already on your side. they think you're right, and they're hoping you can win over the people in the room who haven't seen your work. so you notice that some people in the room will laugh harder for their friends, hoping to win over the director or casting director.

i first noticed this when i was in the final callback stages for 'm. butterfly.' at that last callback there were about 10 people in the room. the director and casting director laughed at every tiny thing i did. i don't think it was insincere, but it was also clearly a show for the others in the room: we want this kid, and we want you to like him too.

at this weekend's auditions i felt the same way when my friends would come in. it's like bringing a new boyfriend to the party: you hope that he'll charm the socks off of them. and maybe you laugh a little too hard at their jokes.

my agent says she's submitted me for something, though she can't remember what it was. it's a step. she at least seems to know who i am now.

thanks everyone who said my blog is *not* boring.. it's funny how you can either be 'awake' or 'asleep' as you move through the world.

randy - how can you not like empire!? omg. i admit, i didn't like it as a kid, but now it's the only one of all the films that really resonates with real characters, and clever interaction between them. i also think the structuring of it is brilliant.. more on this later.

as for american idol: gay delusion gay delusion gay delusions galore. so many sad sad homos. god, it makes my heart hurt, all those gay kids who don't yet know who they are, who aren't comfortable in their own skins. oh yeah, and that 'clay-aikenesque' blond christian guy? closet closet closet. gay gay gay.

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