the awesome/terrifying freedom

i'm sitting at home. it's late/early on saturday/sunday night/morning. i'm sitting at home in my room, not watching tv, amazingly, clicking through blogs and sitemeters, when an interesting question came to mind:

does my mood through the weeks and months correspond to my sitemeter ratings? is my blog more interesting to people during times in my life when i'm feeling upbeat, and more creative?

nah. it couldn't be. looking at the weekly, daily, and even monthly chart, it doesn't really apply. hits go way down on the weekends, and when i'm working on a show i don't really have time to blog anyway, so there are fewer posts. but then i looked at this.

woah. it's a perfect map of my elations and depressions over the past 12 months. it spikes when i'm dating someone or creatively productive (or in the case of august, in a play and dating someone. i had a *lot* of orgasms in august.) what happened after august? it's like i dropped off the face of the earth.

looks like i'm at the start of another upswing...

have a friend who's gonna help me get a meeting w/ a publisher for my cartoon book. very exciting. in fact, most of my blog energy has been directed into my cartoons.

auditions for the show were this weekend. it's such an education to watch good auditions, not like the early episodes of american idol where one in every 20 people is merely watchable - a good day of auditions, thanks to a great casting director, is like watching a jennifer/fantasia/latoya night. on the contrary, there are people who betray their suckitude withing uttering half a syllable. they seem uncomfortable. their paper is shaking. it doesn't seem like they even want you to look at them. it just makes your heart hurt.

there's an interesting dynamic that happens in the audition room - there's several people behind the table, and each of them has called in friends, or people they've worked with in the past. so when you walk into an audition by appointment, there are people already on your side. they think you're right, and they're hoping you can win over the people in the room who haven't seen your work. so you notice that some people in the room will laugh harder for their friends, hoping to win over the director or casting director.

i first noticed this when i was in the final callback stages for 'm. butterfly.' at that last callback there were about 10 people in the room. the director and casting director laughed at every tiny thing i did. i don't think it was insincere, but it was also clearly a show for the others in the room: we want this kid, and we want you to like him too.

at this weekend's auditions i felt the same way when my friends would come in. it's like bringing a new boyfriend to the party: you hope that he'll charm the socks off of them. and maybe you laugh a little too hard at their jokes.

my agent says she's submitted me for something, though she can't remember what it was. it's a step. she at least seems to know who i am now.

thanks everyone who said my blog is *not* boring.. it's funny how you can either be 'awake' or 'asleep' as you move through the world.

randy - how can you not like empire!? omg. i admit, i didn't like it as a kid, but now it's the only one of all the films that really resonates with real characters, and clever interaction between them. i also think the structuring of it is brilliant.. more on this later.

as for american idol: gay delusion gay delusion gay delusions galore. so many sad sad homos. god, it makes my heart hurt, all those gay kids who don't yet know who they are, who aren't comfortable in their own skins. oh yeah, and that 'clay-aikenesque' blond christian guy? closet closet closet. gay gay gay.