the awesome/terrifying freedom

out here, somewhere, figuring it all out.

so, keep your eyes peeled in january - i will be a full page picture in 'out' magazine!

it was in a big white loft studio in chelsea.. they gave me a dolce & gabanna track suit to wear, with a nify roxio mp3 player.. i had to stretch and act like i was going to the gym.. it was prety cool - made me feel a bit self conscious - like i need to hit the gym a lot harder and get another tan, but in the final layout, my picture will be a full page near the front of the january issue of the magazine!

it's pretty amazing to think that i'm going to be appearing as a model in a magazine i used to sneak peeks at in the bookstore of the shopping mall in boulder, colorado.

in other news, the wallet is officially gone. i am identity free. it's actually quite liberating.

so i think i might have lost my wallet. weird feeling. i listened to all those people who said 'don't ever put your social security card in your wallet' and i said ' wah-evah. ai dowhutaiwan.' and now i have no identity. i have no way of proving that i am me. which got me thinking - is there really any way to actually prove that you are you? at what point do you really 'know' someone, and do you ever really know them or are you just plugging them into a preconceived notion of how you'd like them to be? or are they becoming the people they think you want them to be? it's all so deep.

i bet it's under my bed. i bet i kicked it back there. if not, well then i guess i just don't exist anymore. my parents lost my birth certificate. i'm done. nonexistent.

there are times when daylight savings in the fall is a wonderful thing - like when you wake up, gasping and wide eyed because you feel like you've slept in, but really you've just enjoyed the extra hour your body clock hasn't yet adjusted to.

there are times when its awful. like when you're sitting in the office and your body clock and the sunlight outside tell you that it's time to go home, but no. you have another hour. see, there's always a balance, simba.

okay, so i've been horribly neglectful of my blog. it's been a difficult time to sit down and distill my thoughts and feelings into short paragraphs - oy, so much has been going on, but now things are looking to settle a bit.

clay aiken's face is plastered all over new york, promoting his album 'measure of a man.' snicker snicker. it's almost too much now. boy wants to know how to measure a man? well, i'm sure he knows quite well that it's best to start from the base of the penis.

last friday i turned 28. twenty fuckin eight. and i sit behind a desk making less money than marissa who sits in the neighboring cubicle and who just turned 24. what the hell am i doing? am i just insane for trying to pursue something that will never, no matter how far or high i climb, be stable?

in good news, i've recently signed wth an agent! hopefully this will signal the end of (or at least a hiatus to) the bored office temp days. in the same week, i was up for one of the lead roles in a broadway show. three callbacks, the last of which was horribly intense. these guys i was up against were serious business. it was a wake up call. do i have the time, interest, and energy to compete at this level? i just don't know.

liza and david.

i guess i'm hitting that age where time suddenly seems to speed up, where the path of my life seems visible in the distance, where the choices seem to narrow, where it becomes more and more difficult to switch tracks. part of that is comforting - that i'm working with a theatre company, that i've achieved certain steps towards an acting career - but the sitting in a cubicle part doesn't sit well with me. how much longer can i do this? surely i possess more valuable skills? don't i? don't i?

so yesterday i get this phone message:

'hi. this is tippi hedren. i'm returning a call from al. i guess i'll get in touch with you when all this phone tag is over. my number is 661-___-___. this is re: the lion.'

at first i thought it was my friend betsy, being irreverent and cute. but no. this was tippi hedren's voice. and the message is very matter of fact. and i did a google search on 'tippi hedren lion' and it turns out she runs a lion sanctuary in california.

i got a call from tippi hedren!

and i have her home phone number!

i love tippi hedren. not a great actress, but undeniable charisma. 'the birds' was my first hitchcock film, igniting my passion for his movies, for thrillers, for the craft of filmmaking, and the intracacies of film analysis. i will keep that message on my phone forever! maybe i'll give her a call.

i recently took the test to become a fire guard. policy requires that all public performances must be attended by a fire guard if the theatre does not have a sprinkler system - rather than pay for a guard each night, i went and took the test.

nothing infuriates me more than badly written, illogical test questions.

1) what is the duty of a fire guard?
a. to guard against tresspassers.
b. to guard against fires.
c. to guard against theft.
d. to check all of the smoke detectors.

dear god. i drove myself crazy reading and re-reading this question. what is the duty of a fire guard? well, 'b' is just way too obvious. there is no way the anwser is 'b.' and, if i say that the duty of a fire guard is to guard against fires, am i then saying that a fire guard doesn't have to check smoke detectors? but of course checking smoke detectors would be part of guarding against fires. if the question said 'what is the primary duty of a fire guard,' then it would be 'b.' but then if i put 'd' i'm saying that checking smoke detectors is not a guard against fires, which is true. and then i questioned my own over-analysis of the whole problem and looked up from my computer screen at the other applicants. most of these people didn't have high school educations and were walking out with their fire guard cards. i would be the first master's degree holder to fail the fire guard test. finally i decided i was thinking too much, that i needed to approach the test like a sanitation worker with a ged and hit 'b.' i got it right, which kind of upset me. the american public is being guarded from incineration by people who correctly deduce that the duty of a fire guard is to guard against fires?

they spelled my name wrong on the card. people always mistake the 'u' in larue for a 'v.' larve. which either rhymes with 'carve,' or 'harvey.'

i think this year's wackiest comedy will be 'radio' starring cuba gooding jr. have you seen the preview? wow! it's like a sequel to 'the waterboy,' except a true story. this film is retarded. it screams 'i'm desperate to prove myself worthy of that oscar so i'm going to play a retard to get another nomination.' and what an awful job he does. watching cuba hunch his shoulders and bug his eyes out is almost as embarassing as watching jennifer love hewitt crane her neck out and try to embody audrey hepburn. it's acting of the worst calibur - actors whose skill is projecting their specific personalities trying to be transformative like cate blanchett or ed norton. nuh uh. forget it kids. you aint that kind of actor. and don't punish us by making us watch your lowest common demoninator targeted, music swelling, emotionally manipulative, easily arrived at uplifting climaxed, conveniently ironic plot twisting tripe.

i am not dead!

my blog time and energy has been redirected of late. i have been producing a play. and running a theatre company. and desperately trying to turn my life around.

boy nothing's sexier than desperation huh? i've been thinking a lot about money. and what a sham the university system can be, specifically the student loan system - it works great if you're in school to get yourself a 9-5 job that you plan to stay in for the rest of your life, that will come with progressive raises and promotions - but if you're an artist, well, there ain't no sure thing. and paying off the very loan that gave you the education you thought you needed to have a career will likely be the very thing to keep you from pursuing that dream.

the worst part about feeling that you are on a downswing is the wondering 'is this the end of it? is there yet another part of my life that can fall apart?' and the sad truth is that as long as you're still able to wonder if it can get worse, it can. there's always an extremity to lose in a freak accident. there's always a disease to get. i suppose i'm due for a downswing - last year was a gret year professionally, personally, and financially - i guess it's time for all of those things to fall apart for a bit, which is painful now, but i'm grateful for the necessary change it will bring about. like setting my own forest fire to kill the over-growth.

what did people call these situations before joseph heller?

so i've dedicated myself to having it both ways. and maybe i'll tear myself in half doing it, or maybe i'll turn myself into the gay tony robbins, but the last few weeks have placed me on the edge of a precipice where i'll either have to fall or fly.

if you are in the new york city area, i encourage you to support the fruit of my labor - tobacco bar theatre company.

next thursday we open 'downloaded - and in denial' at the kraine theatre - a one-woman tour-de-force starring cynthia adler, one of the top voice over actresses in the country. you've heard her. you don't know you've heard her, but you've heard her. and the show is directed by tony award-winning broadway director robert kalfin. check it out!

be back soon..

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  • 5: the man of genius

  • 4: blunders & absurdities

  • 3: conservative after dinner

  • 2: what lies below

  • 1: where there is no path

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