the awesome/terrifying freedom

as a struggling everyman in new york city, there really is nothing better than knowing someone who knows someone who can get you into a party. it's all about being someone's 'plus one.'

my friend claire took me to the premiere of 'stage beauty' last night.



it was at the paris theatre next to the plaza hotel.



there are many celebs. robert deniro is five seats over to my left. liam neeson is in the row in front of me. janice dickinson says liam neeson's penis is the size of an evian bottle. this is all i can think about. anna paquin is behind me. rupert everett is in front of me. lookin old. claire danes walks by. i go to get popcorn and there's billy crudup telling laura linney how awesome ben shenkman is. and there's ben shenkman. and and the woman who played grandma in the addams family movies. and that woman who played adrien brody's mom in 'the village.' and and is that colin firth? no, it's not colin firth, says claire. but he looks kinda like colin firth. colin firth would not be sitting alone like that. ben chaplin is hot hot hot. but has big features and is kind of muppety, says claire. claire danes is stunning in person. and so is anna paquin. on film they are attractive, but never really struck me as hot. here, they are hot. the most interesting thing about the eveing is comparing people to their on-screen appearance. joan rivers is terrifying. she looks like a shriveled hag wearing an inflatable skin mask. seriously: little old lady eyes peeking out of prosthetic makeup. shriveled elderly wormstress being escorted through the building in a young person suit. oh there's michael musto. ew.



the red carpet is an interesting affair. the photographers stand over to the side and yell out for celebs they recognize to pose, as with ashley and mary-kate at the 'new york minute' premiere. sometimes there are two entrances - one for celebs, one for nobodies. the party had only one entrance, so if photographers wanted to take pics, the entire line was held up until they got everything they needed. we had to wait while a parade of celebs and some people i've never seen or heard of before got their pictures taken. celebrity wranglers yanked people back out of the way of the cameras and ashleigh banfield and her unnaturally hot husband were photographed. then the carpet was opened up to us. we walked. the photographers took a break. silence. crickets. we walked the red carpet, step step step, almost to the end. how could i help but hope that maybe one of those photographers might mistake me for -someone- and start shouting out for me to turn this way turn that way look up here look over to the left give claire a hug go home with rupert everett look to the right.

paparazzi 12: gabby! gabby! a picture? gabby!

gabby was behind us. i have no idea who gabby was. she looked vaguely familiar. she was probably in some movie somewhere. oh. this is who gabby is. whatever. she spent a long time chatting with anna paquin later.



the party was at the asprey store on 5th avenue. three stories of overpriced crap for rich people. weird having a premiere at a store, but that's what happens when a corporate sponsor is willing to foot the bill for a party. 4x6 picture frame: $800. pen: $650. suitcase: $3300. ridiculous. spent most of the evening chasing around the model boys passing around the food. and subtly trailing billy crudup through the party so as to look at him as much as possible. he's a surprisingly tiny man. you could squish him. he had an unkempt goatee, and wore a nice suit with ratty black sneakers. on anyone else it would be lame.

oh yeah, the movie was great too.