the awesome/terrifying freedom

happy new year!

some things from the last few months:

• in november, my grandfather on my father's side passed away. which has had me, my parents and family thinking a lot about life, death, etc.

• i directed a few more episodes of the tv show i work on. i'm getting better, but still have a lot to learn. celeste said to me after one particularly grueling shoot, "stop apologizing. you apologized to every single person on set today at least once, and some people you apologized to all throughout the day. you get paid less than anyone else working on the show, and you have the most responsibility. you don't have anything to apologize for."

• my first instinct while writing another blog entry was to apologize for not having written anything for so long.

• at brunch with neal recently, we were talking about goals, and what we want in life, and i found myself stammering "well, say that, what if, if i were to, what would be the possibility, i mean, what if i said.." i was having so much trouble speaking words that were so clear in my head. what i wanted to say was "is it possible for me to be directing a network show in 5 years?" and once i finally got the words out i realized why it had been so hard to say. because saying it out loud, in front of someone, makes you responsible for it. as soon as the words finally escaped my lips, a flood of all the things i would need to do to make it happen filled my brain. it means working on a reel, it means directing as much as i possibly can in the next five years. it means winning awards at festivals, not just getting into them. it means i have to stop talking and start doing. am i willing to take on that work? can i handle it? boy, it had really better be what i want, hadn't it? so there it is, the goal, or at least one of them. i want to direct a network show in 5 years. i want to be directing features in 10 years, but we can deal with that later.

• overall it was a damn good year. i landed a great job that had me writing, directing, organizing and managing shoots. it also saw my two short films play in seven festivals across the country. i have plans to shoot at least 3 more shorts next year, which will have sharper scripts, better production values, and even more potential to help shuffle my career along (that's the plan anyway).

• i went to a lot of weddings. seeing all my friends make the decision to have families has really begun to put the sting into my singlehood. but more than that - it's solidified my desire to get married myself. but yeah, probably need to, like, date someone first. this is the year.

• i will be starting a new blog, for lost-related recaps, analyses, theories, etc! i have plenty to write about already with these, this, and this already leading us into season 4. it's in its infancy now, but many links and goodies will be added as the show progresses.

• this new year also seems to call for a change in the look and focus of my blog, so look for that coming soon too.

• thanks to all the friends who helped me achieve everything that happened in the past year. it never ceases to amaze me how just a few great connections can open so many possibilities. can't wait to see what this next year will provide.