the awesome/terrifying freedom

i'm back from a relaxing weekend at the beach..

and what better news to return to than to discover that michael savage has been fired from msnbc!

in sad news, for followers of last year's blog, the infamous mrs J died on wednesday after a long battle with cancer.

she was difficult to work for, but never ever dull. i wish i could have known her under different circumstances. she was one of those personalities that just screamed to be immortalized on stage, in film, and at the very least, in sit-com format. in honor of mrs J, here is a reprint of some of my favorite mrs J highlights:

• • • • •

J: joseph? do we have any more brazillian chocolate nut? belgian nut cocoa? or, nut? what is it called again?

me: i don't know. do you see any?

J: well there's what's out here, but i'm wondering if we need to order any more.

she places her cup in the machine

me: if you don't see it, then we probably do.

J: and what about french roast? are we completely out of french roast? and what's this? rainforest nut? why is that completely gone? i haven't been drinking that! who on earth drinks something called rainforest nut?

me: oh i drink that one.

J: you do? is it any good?

me: well.. yeah.. it's/

J: yes and what does it taste like?

me: it's, well, not anyth/

J: well it's all out you know. if you like it we're going to have to order more.

me: no, there's more in the cupboard.

J: oh, look at that, and it's staring right back at me! ha ha. well could you get it down for me dear. i certainly can't reach way up there.

me: here you go.

J: do you know how to open it? you have to twist off the/ (i open it) oh see, you know what you're doing and here i am just spouting off. now can you look up there and see, do we have any more french roast?

me: no.. i don't see any more..

J: well let's ask tony. tony? tony?

tony: yes?

J: french roast?

tony: um..?

J: do we have any more?

tony: is there more in th/

J: well that's the thing you see. there's not any more in the cupboard and what i was wondering was if we had any more downstairs.

tony: no we don't.

J: well could you be a dear and order some more?

tony: M does all the ordering for that. i don't know anything about it.

J: oh M does, M does, and where is M? is she calling in sick again today? joseph has she called?

me: no she's coming in.

J: tony, can you be in charge of telling M that we need to order more, what is it that we need dear boy? french roast? sounds a bit saucy (she does a little dance) brazil nut, nut belgium chocolate or whatever the bloody thing is. suppose i shouldn't say 'bloody,' we're not in the old country anymore!

me: heh.

J: and what are you laughing at?

me: 'old country'

J: well that's what it is you know, the 'old country,' we're living in the colonies now! don't forget to tell M tony, i simply can't be expected function without my daily cup! of course i shouldn't even be drinking it. joseph, i'm holding you personally responsible to make sure i drink exactly three of these water bottles today. yes, i've got to drink three that's what the doctor says i need to do, so i suppose i have to choke it down! alright, i'll be in my office if you need me.

me: J!

J: yes dear?

me: you left your cup in the machine.

J: oh goodness! i'm always doing that aren't i? thank you ever so much for telling me joseph or i swear i'd never wake up this morning.

• • • • •

9:55 AM
dear readers, pray for me.

mrs J has returned.

J: good morning joseph, how have you been keeping yourself busy in my absence? been throwing parties i'm sure?

me: um.

J: phones and filing yes? same old bullshit yes?

me: how was your trip.

J: fabulous. you know every time i go to london i always think i'd like to live there again. i bought milk joseph because i figured we'd be out by now. can you check and see if there's enough milk for the coffee? and put this carton in there while you're at it. you haven't forgotten that we're doing that schedule today have you? yes? you can make time for me this morning can't you darling? because we need to schedule these speakers two to a date, and we need to do them based on subject, and i need to check my email and see if any of the lab heads have written me back. did you check my email darling?

me: no, i couldn't because/

J: why ever not joseph? i ask you one simple thing!

me: the computer guy was messing with/

J: what on earth was he doing? was he setting up web mail? i already have netscape mail! i've always used netscape mail.

me: its/

J: oh i'll talk to him. that damn computer is such a source of frustration. oh joseph did they hire anyone?

me: well.. they found/

J: what was that woman they like but she couldn't type fast enough?

me: they found another woman who could type 85 words a minutes.

J: oh that's good. did they offer it to her? did they like her?

me: they really liked her a lot, but she needed an immediate response and M and K didn't want to offer her the job before she'd met you.

J: WHAT!? that's utterly absurd! i don't care who they hire! they just need to hire someone for chrisssakes it such bullshit, i'm telling you joseph i can work with anyone.

me: mm.

J: and so they just let her go? they lost her? aaagh! i can't tell you how frustrating that is joseph. i don't care who they hire! they're never going to find anyone now. you can't wait on these things. what was it did she have another offer was that it?

me: yeah i think she did.

J: DEAR GOD, do M and K not know how to be competitive? and you know as much as anyone that the person in this position is hardly even going to be working with me. not that it makes any difference anyway because i can work with anyone, i'm very adaptable.

• • • • •

12:09 PM
J: joseph i need your computer expertise. what in heaven's name am i going to do when you're gone? joseph why haven't you put out the new candy?

me: i did.

J: yes but these are the chocolates joseph i want the suckies joseph, put out the suckies. didn't i buy some suckies?

me: uh yeah, they're here.

i pull out the bag of lemon drops.

J: well rip it open darling and throw them in the bowl because i have a sudden craving for a suckie.

i open the bag and dump some lemon drops into the bowl as she holds it out for me.

J: more darling, more. a little more. that's enough joseph we don't want you wasting them. now i need you to help me with this. come into my office.

i go.

J: alright now i'm working on the new version of my cv. now joseph don't go blabbing to everyone that i'm working on my cv. you're not the only one getting out of this godforsaken place darling.

me: heheh i won't tell.

J: now look at this. it's three pages and i want it to be two and it was two pages and now it's three. why is it three pages darling? and the margins are all screwed up and every time i click on something it gets messed up again! look at this! oh this is utterly frustrating! fix it joseph, can you fix it?

click click click.

me: there.

J: now what did you do?

me: you had tabbed over instead of using the margin controls up here.

J: oh i hate using those things. what am i going to do when you're gone? does chad know how to do all this?

me: he should yes. they test us at the agency.

J: hm. well i don't know darling i just don't like the look of him, but i suppose if chad is it then chad must do. now i want to print this darling so i'm going to go to the file menu right and choose print and then, oh joseph can you run over to the printer and see how it's coming out? can you put in the nice paper? i want it on nice paper darling none of this cheap crap we use all the rest of the day.

i go to the printer. she comes out after me, the pointed ends of her blonde 'that girl' wig flapping with each hurried step.

J: okay joseph i've sent it now did you put in the good paper? it goes in this slot here yes? now/ oop there it goes! now oh wait a minute it took the whole stack! now why? it's flashing joseph i think it's jammed it says 'rear door' how do you open the rear door? is it this one?

me: no, dont/

J:oh dear now it's making this grinding noise. i suppose i'd better close that up. perhaps i should just grab onto the paper sticking out here and yank it out?

me: no you don't have to/

J: boy this is really in here tight isn't it?

me: don't. just open this flap. and close it.

J: oh well that was simple wasn't it. oh i'm so stressed out now. i think i need another suckie. go and bring me the rest of those suckies joseph. i'm going to keep them in my desk.

• • • • •

rest in peace, mrs J. may you continue to wreak havok in that great office in the sky...