the awesome/terrifying freedom

ughh.. i'm never eating medium-rare or maybe even a medium hamburger again. who knew that a bloody 4th of july hamburger would have me doubled over in excruciating pain with bloody diarrhea.

take my advice kids, cook that meat. yow. trust me. trrrust me.

as if bloody diarrhea weren't enough, i took it upon myself to brave the worst of reality television. i watched the season finale of 'for love or money,' two episodes of 'paradise hotel,' and the season premiere of 'cupid.' dear god.

i must admit, during the finale of 'love or money,' i was ecstatic that what's her name actually chose the money (not that 'love' was actually a choice with that bland 'i got thrown out of the military for sexually assaulting a girl' loser). saturday night live did a spoof on 'joe millionaire' called 'joe not-a-rapist.' this was pretty much the same thing. but then, after she takes the money and runs, we cut to 'three weeks later' where she is lured back into being the star of 'love or money 2,' in which the men think she doesn't know they they're really playing for money, but she does know, and what she knows but they don't know is that if the guy picks her over the money, they win 2 million - oh and she had to burn her $1 million check..

okay. paradise hotel. amazing. a buncha hot people thrown into a small space, encouraged to get drunk and fuck each other. and and and if you don't fuck anyone, you go home! and and and people in the studio audience can compete to get to fuck the people on the show! only problem is that not a lot of fucking is going on.. just a lot of hidden cameras showing drunken people going in and out of bathrooms. oh and sometimes a teary eyed blurry mascara-ed girl freaks out about zack. and then some guy named scott, like, gets all pissed and shit. it's embarassing really - i can feel the producers in their board room, twiddling their fingers, looking at the raw footage, working overtime to try and inject some actual drama into the show. i feel sorry for the composer - he must be so tired of using that 'bum bummm' sound every time we're supposed to think some major betrayal has taken place.. or that 'whoosssh' sound every time they cut to the fly-over shot of the hotel.

sadly, just as lame as 'paradise lost' is simon cowell's bitch-baby 'cupid.' hoo boy. it's basically the 'american idol' format applied to dating, which is a horrible horrible idea. why should we care who this chick gets hooked up with? what's my motivation to call in and vote for this guy over that guy? with american idol, i was voting on entertainment value - something that i get (or don't get) for myself from each contestant. what's my investment in this girl that's going have me reaching for the phone to ensure her happiness? i'm more likely to reach for the phone to land her with a psycho. on top of that, it looks like only a handful of men showed up to audition at each city, so basically, if you're not overtly psycho, or trotted your mother out to the audition with you, you're guranteed a spot in 'the next round.'

so.. i've been home sick for the past two days.. and i've watched a lot of scary daytime tv.

christopher lowell: this man is a vagina.

suprise by design: the discovery channel's rip-off of their own show 'while you were out.' on todays episode, we saw a neglected housewife get the master bedroom redone for her closeted husband. my favorite part on these shows (which consist mostly of bored housewives getting rooms made over for their husbands) is when the husband comes home and the wife and the designers shout 'surprise!' and the husband stands there completely nonplussed. 'oh. wow. looks good.'