the awesome/terrifying freedom

through his work connections, sam got us tickets to the 'film independent's spirit awards' yesterday afternoon. it was a surreal, star studded event, in a giant tent right on the beach. it was very laid back, and probably more fun than the oscars, so there!

it was strange to see so many celebrities in the same place, all duded up, and mingling with each other. i felt like a reporter for extra!, except not talking to anyone.

some observations:

watching an awards show on tv, i never give much thought to the losers - but we happened to be sitting at a table directly behind several nominees - and when their category is being presented, a cameraman and a cord guy are right there, in their faces, ready to catch their reactions. once the winner is announced, the conrol room cuts to the camera at the winner's table - and the camera at the losers table immediately packs up and leaves, cable guy rolling up the cable behind him. which leaves the losers table very quiet indeed. there are shrugs, swigs of drinks, and overall disappointment. when you're at home, you lose sight of the fact that, as the show goes on, the room fills up with losers.

there's a lot of clapping. when you watch on tv, maybe you'll spontaneously clap when your favorite film wins - but when you're actually there, you're compelled to clap during all of those places that you hear the clapping on tv. which is, after every film name is announced, after every actor's name is called, after each acting clip has played, after the winner is announced, after the winner's speech.. it never ends. i had to stop after awhile.

many many of my idols were there, and i didn't say anything. sam and i were talking today, that we should have at least gone up and introduced ourselves to alan ball. he was right there behind us, not really talking to anyone, and we were just too shy. thinking back, we absolutely should have. it was a filtered audience, no riffraff around, and my god, he's the reason i moved here in the first place.

the sexy people really are sexy, but they don't look like themselves. they look like people tho look like celebrities. if that makes sense. you see them and go, wow, that guy looks a lot like toby maguire. oh. hi spidey.

as i push into 32, i can't help but wonder, what is it really that separates me from all of this? what can i do to ingraine myself into this group - the real group to become involved with - the cream of the crop of independent filmmakers? for starters, and ability to introduce myself would help a lot.