the awesome/terrifying freedom

i have all kinds of theories.

clay is all 'bitch, i tol' you i won that show (snap).'

upcoming rolling stone reports that clay is a 'shoe whore' and finally, finally openly denies that he is straight. i mean gay. i mean denies that he's gay. he's gay. he denies that. gayness. (denied). gay.

well, pick out your best penny loafers, clay.

his single sold over 100,000 more units than ruben's. while they hold first and second places respectively on billboard's singles chart, the margin between them is vast.

verry verry eenteresting. i've heard all the conspiracy theories about ruben's victory - and i'm actually not totally convinced that funny business was going on with the vote counting.

i imagine the puzzle simon fuller and his cohorts must have been faced with on tuesday night after all the votes were in:

fuller: who got more votes?

fuller's bitch: ruben.

fuller: hm.

bitch: but of course you know we don't actually have to say that. it was close enough that we can make it go either way.

fuller: alright, so do we say this floppy wristed white homo won, or do we let the black guy the size of a truck win?

bitch: well, they play to two totally separate markets; 'gay men and white teenage girls' for clay, and 'every straight black person in america' for ruben.

fuller: which group has more money?

bitch: toss up. 'titanic' proved 'white teenage girls' are the most powerful force on the planet. but those girls are getting older and pickier. 'every straight black person in america' has more money than 'white teenage girls', but it's harder to get them to spend it.

fuller: what about gay men?

bitch: they'll buy anything with a 'mo on it.

fuller: so who's going to make more money?

bitch: clay.

fuller: but ruben got more votes?

bitch: yeah well 'every straight black person in america' voted for him. but they're not necessarily going to buy him in those numbers. they just want to see him win. on principle.

fuller: if we say clay lost, how will his sales be affected?

bitch: no effect. his fans won't care. clay will still outsell ruben even though he lost. 'gay men and white teenage girls' have more throwaway money than 'every straight black person in america.'

fuller: what if we say ruben lost?

bitch: he'll sell okay, but we stand to gain a lot more if we let ruben win. we get the whole 'black pride' thing and we can push his bland single all over the radio and bleed as much money as we can from 'every straight black person in america.' meanwhile we reap in the unaffected top sales from 'gay men and white teenage girls' for clay.

fuller: where do gay black teenage boys fit in?

bitch: we estimate that all 500 of them auditioned for the show and didn't get past the first round. they're in counseling.