the awesome/terrifying freedom

orrin hatch once again proves himself completely out of touch with the rest of the universe.

hatch: now what we need is some kind of program that will automatically destroy someone's computer if they download illegal music.

kerr: uh, okay, but that's not exactly legal.

hatch: waddaya mean? they're breakin' the law! fry those fuckers' computers.

kerr: okay, well what you're talking about is developing a crippling virus which would be willfully be spread by the government throughout the internet.

hatch: what's wrong with that? s'pretty much what we did with aids.

kerr: what?

hatch: kidding! kidding. sort of. anyway.

kerr: uh, yeah. so there's no way to control the spread of a virus in that way. you can't gurantee that only computers engaging in illegal file sharing would become infected.

hatch: that's where you guys with your programs and your languages and shit come in. write the damn virus so it doesn't infect anyone who's innocent. heh, we pretty much did that with aids, too. aside from all the black people getting it - the black people in africa i mean. kidding! sheesh.

kerr: okay, well what you're talking about here is also a violation of federal anti-hacking laws.

hatch: fuck the laws. we'll change 'em. we gotta stop these swappers.

kerr: that whole idea is delusional. there's no way to stop the sharing of files short of fundamentally limiting people's right to utilize the media they purchase. you would have to outlaw making copies altogether. which is stupid. as long as music can be listened to, it can be copied.

hatch: well i don't know about that. ain't nobody gonna steal my tunes.

kerr: your tunes?

hatch: why do you think i give a shit about all this? i mean, aside from taking checks from the music industry lobby. you know why? 'cause i write my own shit. yea bitch, i writes music. and it ain't none of that pansy ass homo shit. checkit: this one is 'america united.'

kerr: you put that song on the internet?

hatch: you bet. i'm 'withit.' i'm 'in wit da crowd.' but here's where you gotta help me. i want to fry the computers of anyone who downloads it.

kerr: you'll at least fry their brains. it's a start.

hatch: i don't want this bein' swapped all over the place, you know.

kerr: i wouldn't worry.

hatch: waddya think of the song?

kerr: lee greenwood could sue you. it's a straight rip-off of 'god bless the usa.' only less catchy and more inane.

hatch: you one of them homos?

kerr: no. i'm a former justice department cybercrimes prosecutor and a professor of law.

hatch: don't get all hoity-toity with me missy, talking like all those high falutin' credentials can't be had by a homosexualist. like when people said liberace was one of them cock smokers. broke my heart. or those idiots on the intranet saying my boy clay aiken likes it in the butt. that shit better not be true or i'm-a-burnin the disk i downloaded 'this is the night' onto. i mean bought. the cd i bought.