the awesome/terrifying freedom

got up early, left that dingy gross motel 6 and drove all day across the mojave desert, which was again, stunning.







one of the most amazing and refreshing parts of this drive has been to realize that there are still vast untouched areas of this country. there are a few hillsides and mountains in pennsylvania, but nothing like the stretches of hills and desert in southern colorado, new mexico, arizona and southeastern california.

so now i'm here. and the crazy part is that i've been so focused on the -journey- part of getting here, that now i'm realizing that the true journey is actually only just beginning. this is going to be far from easy - i knew that intellectually, but now i'm faced with the actual difficulty of it. am i ready?



here's my friend david's awesome little house in santa monica.



i had my job interview on tuesday. it went extremely well. they were very impressed with my resume, and knew that i could do the job hands down. it's for a music rights management company - so if you need to use a song in your movie trailer, you have to get all the proper licenses and clearances and pay all the right people in order to use it. this office administrates that entire transaction. my job would be drawing up contracts daily, and making calls chasing down money for various parties.

the office is across the street from the beach. i would have health insurance. it's 10 minutes from where i'm staying.

and i'm not going to take it. i just got here and already i'm faced with an incredibly difficult decision. they asked me in the interview 'are you sure you wouldn't be more suited to a production environment, since that's more of your focus and purpose in coming here?' i couldn't argue. i talked my way around it, but i knew she was right. i didn't leave my entire life in new york city to jump right into a peripherally related to the business job that would have me in an office drawing up contracts all day. i could spin it really nicely - that this is a great place to start, i can have a home base to learn my bearings, but that kind of work - it would kill my soul. i didn't just drive myself across the country, finally take some charge of my life, to accept the first, easy thing that comes to me.

so today i have to call them, tell them i thought it over, thank you so much for taking the time to see me, but i don't think the position is right for me.

which kills me. but i know it's what i have to do. i sat on the beach for two hours thinking. i called my dad, i called a bunch of friends to talk it through. emily said 'no joe. that is not your job. you can't take it. it's not for you.' and she's right. i bought a hamburger and a seagull swooped down and plucked the bun right off it.