the awesome/terrifying freedom

happy thanksgiving!

i have identity again. i was able to fill out a simple form that required no special knowledge, and the colorado department of revenue sent me a brand new driver license with my 21 year old face stamped on it. is this all identity is? a piece of plastic that i can send for at any time? i mean, i'm glad i can fly a plane again and buy a drink on the ever slimmer chance that i get will get carded, but geez louise - the idea of government issued identity cards is nothing more than a cheesecloth security blanket.

and god, look at my 21 year old face. that picture was taken seven years ago on my 21st birthday so that i would have a new id before hitting all the bars in greeley colorado and getting trashed to hell. according to a monologue in 'waking life' (which i've never fact-checked, but i like the concept so i don't care if its true or not), all the cells in your body have regenerated after seven years. so really, i'm not the same person in the picture - i'm made up of completely different stuff. i just happen to be in the same physical space.

been thinking a lot about aging and getting older and kids even. aging (at least at this point) is not what i expected when i was a teenager, when you'd turn from 16 to 17 and feel nothing different. i think that continues for the rest of your life - this weird astonishment that time has passed, but your growth and change has been so gradual that you can't feel it. i got a haircut last week and it was the strangest thing to see all the cut hair collecting in my lap and so much of it was gray. i wonder if i'll be totally silver by the time i'm 35. i wonder if it will look good. ugh. and i was thinking about kids last night - how if i have a kid at 35, which is the absolute earliest i could ever see that happening - i would be 53 by the time the kid was 18. my dad's 53 now. sheesh.

i'm addicted to 'oz.' i can't believe i didn't watch this show when it was first on. it's like the sexiest thing ever. chris meloni. mmm. the best network show on right now is 'arrested development.' last week's episode guest starred liza minelli, and you have to wonder if she's aware of the self perpetuating joke she's become - in any case, hilarious. she's on next week too.

just in time to slit my wrists and dip them in sugar: i caught some of the 'american idols christmas' concert last night. again i ask, where the fuck is nikki mckibbin??