the awesome/terrifying freedom

i started this blog five years ago under the name 'trials of a bored office temp.' i worked in the dean's office at the rockefeller university and every day, i wrote entries about that office's staff. they would come up to me and spill their guts about themselves, each other, and i sat there, smiling, typing their every word.

the blog quickly became a hit, though by today's standards, 300 hits a day only equals moderate interest - but i was interviewed by the new york post, and i was working on adapting the material of that blog into a play.

'trials of a bored office temp' ended when i left the city to be in a production of m. butterfly at syracuse stage. it was my first equity gig, which got me my card, i was starring in the show, and i thought it was going to open the door to my true life, the life of a working actor. the show was a huge hit, and i got interviews with several top agents in the city. unfortunately, none bit.

at the same time, i'd gone back to temping, something i thought i would never do again, especially after having railed so fiercely against office life in my blog. i was back at the rockefeller university, this time in the development office. outside of the office, my creative energy was displaced from pursuing acting work to running my theatre company. i was able to write, produce and direct several plays with some of my best friends. every day i would return to the office, usually in a zombie-like haze, file countless papers, and then head home so that i could work on a website or poster design until 2am.

just before leaving for syracuse, my dean's office blog was discovered by someone in the university, was passed around and became kind of an urban legend. i enjoyed the noteriety, but i didn't want to use my blog to write anything secret anymore, so i switched the focus to showcasing my photography, writing about current events, thoughts: the basic blather that makes up most of the blogosphere. after a couple more years of temping, i went part-time permanent at rockefeller, which is when the title changed to 'the semi-permanent insanities.'

after going permanent, things began to change, as i was warned, as i feared, and which i tried desperately to resist. but gradually the dreariness of office life took over. it paid enough. not great, but enough. i started to lose my drive to pursue creative things, save for my cartoons. my life became about going to work, coming home, going to work. it had to change.



a year ago, the process of preparing for this day began. i'm ready, so ready for whatever's out there. i'm even ready to not be ready, anticipating the fear and terror and the not knowing what to do and the freaking out because i need to change and the knowing that none of it comes without pain.

no longer 'trials of a bored office temp.' no longer 'the semi-permanent insanities.' it's the awesome/terrifying freedom.

today is my last day of working in an office in new york city. at 3:00, i'm free. and on tuesday, when i get in my car, i will be freer than i've ever been in my entire life.

well, i've had a funny way of gearing up to go. i guess most normal people would do things like, oh say pack, but i'd really just rather not bother. instead, i've taken on more projects than i can throw a usb connector cable at.

yesterday i took my final personal day to direct a crazy music video for my friend mike. at some point i'll edit it together..

been staying up until 3am most nights working on the rough cut of my -real- short film, 'thanksgiving,' which i think is gonna be totally awesome when it's done.

designing postcard and website for a play produced by my friend john.

shooting requiem #6, the final chapter of the series to take place at 89 dean street, brooklyn, and which bridges the series to be continued in LA.

just this month, i have worked as actor or director or both on 5 film projects. because if i'm gonna make this my life, i'm gonna make this my life.

still no idea what to call the 'lozenge,' which i realized after reading emily's comment, really refers to the shape of something and not necessarily whether it's meant to be dissolved in your mouth. perhaps his name will come during the Great Voyage.

i'm having a big giant party at kion lounge this friday. i can't wait to see so many of the people who have become my world here in new york. it's at 9:30! come!

well, i've got a car again! i pick him up today. the previous owner referred to it as a female, but for me, she's getting a sex change. it's been a lonnng time since i had a car - 1998. and the last time i made a cross country voyage, from florida to new york, i accidentaly drove my uhaul truck off of a bridge. oopsie. hopefully that won't happen again. i need to come up with a name for the little blue guy. ideas?

something is wrong with my video camera. the record head gets dirty extremely easily, puts grey bars across the image, and the sound cuts in and out. it's extremely frustrating, since i've been planning to record my cross country voyage, post video blogs, and make short films with my friends along the way. will see if a heavy duty cleaner cassette does the trick.

this weekend i took photos of my late friend skip's amazing house on 23rd street. skip was an incredible person, who lived the richest, fullest life of anyone i've met. his wonderful partner, ed, asked me to document the house, as skip kept it, before it is taken over by a family moving in at the end of august, and tragically, planning to gut the building and completely rebuild it.

i think these photos speak to kind of person skip was, classical, detailed, sophisticated - and make a good companion to my set of his east hampton home.

no more innuendos, no more hints. it's real, and it's out in the open.

i am moving to LA.

i drive away august 1st, in a little blue car.

i am packing up my few possessions and heading west, on a cross-country route that only my whims will guide.

i'm heading out there to find and pursue so many things, and thinking back to just under a year ago, the precise moment that the idea formulated, my dedication to those ideas has not faltered. i wrote:

it's got me tempted to drive away myself. go somewhere else, do something else. we are filled with such potential, so much possiblity for greatness. i feel it in me sometimes and i doubt myself so much that i can feel my own gifts being squashed. why do i not choose to be great more often? because that's all it really is, isn't it? you just have to decide 'this will be the best thing i've ever done,' and if you can really truly make that decision, then that's what it'll be.

i want to create work that can stand with six feet under. i want to write/direct/make things that probe as deeply, that explore what it means to be human, that don't sugar coat, to craft something with exquisite detail, to remember my sense of humor, to find myself, who i really am, what i was meant to do, and to be the best version of myself that i can be.

i'm scared to death about what i might face, what hardships i will encounter, but i know that it's time to stop taking what's given and start making my life happen. and in order for that to occur, i must strip away everything that is familiar, remove all of the crutches. i'm not here for the easy path, which in the past couple years i've learned is not so easy at all. it's filled with regret, cowardice, self loathing, missed opportunity, laziness, and guilt. if i'm going to face obstacles, let them be the ones that enter the path of my choosing, on the road to my goal, not those that amble up to my door because i've been sitting in comfort for so long.

party on july 28th. save the date.

so it was only this weekend that i discovered that i had set my blog so that comments must be approved before being posted.. and i foolishly assumed that i would get an email from blogger whenever there was a comment awaiting approval.

no. i've only just found that there were over 60 comments awaiting approval from months and months ago, many of them from old friends who i've lost touch with, who were contacting me for the first time in years!

aurggh! i feel awful! i'm so sorry! i've turned comment approval off!

in other news, i've just wrapped principal photography on my short film directing debut (not a requiem project, i mean a real short film, with like, a crew, and like, a script, and like, actors, and like, production values)! it's called 'thanksgiving,' is written by and stars neal utterback, along with smoking hot actor/model vincent de paul. i have a small cameo as well. it's an awesome, hot, funny, little gay story that i think can get great play at film festivals, gay film festivals, and horror film festivals. i learned so much about the process of -really- making a movie, and learned just how much planning, time management, and clarity of vision is required. can't wait to get a rough cut done and get this puppy through post. updates and pics coming soon!

i was starting to feel like maybe the trajan trend had passed.. but not yet. other trends are taking hold, but trajan remains as overused as ever. don't even get me started on book covers.







and what's really stupid about the 'austronaut farmer' poster is that 'the astronaut's wife' poster was also in trajan.

















you know what's even dumber about this poster for 'the house of sand'?? it's that the poster for 'house of sand and fog' was also in muthafukin trajan.

i've been on vacation!

for my vacation i was:

1. house/dog sitting downstairs

2. enjoying every day

3. seeing the midnight show of superman, liking it ok

4. planning a film shoot

5. visited by friends from colorado

6. seeing superman in 3D, liking it better

7. going to shakespeare in the park and getting rained out

8. visiting the dakota building

9. going to sweeney todd and having my best theatrical experience in a long long time

10. staying up until 6am talking about music and philosophy with friends