the awesome/terrifying freedom

i somehow found this article hilarious, disturbing, encouraging, and kinda sad.

are people so incapable of having a good time?

i was on the subway this morning and the middle aged woman next to me was reading a book called 'died to match.' it had a bad oil painting cover with that big print signalling it as a teenage level bodice ripper. i was so struck by the title that i looked it up and found that its author, deborah donelly has also written 'may the best man die,' and 'veiled threats,' all revolving around some sort of wedding planner murder mystery scandal. i think 'died to match' is the best title. the implications of the double meaning make me think of a girl so obsessive about becoming popular that she fills her bathtub with rit dye to make her jeans the same indigo as the popular girl's and then slips, bangs her head on the faucet and drowns in the murky blue. later, at the funeral, her solemn face rests in the casket, permanently andorian.

and then i thought 'why is this 40 year old woman reading a book like 'died to match?'?? in new york city, there are so may possibilites. the sane ones suggest that she could be an editor for teen books. she could be deborah donnelly's book editor. hell, she chould have been deborah donnelly herself - although if it was, then deborah is pretty self obsessed. not a very cool thing to do, read your own book on the subway. she thinks she's so great 'oh look at me! i published a book!' or maybe she's pre-reading the book before giving it to her daughter, making sure that it won't inspire similar dye-related accidental deaths/suicides in her own family.

a series of quotes.. from august 2002 to this wednesday.

some interesting news today..

david rockefeller has joined the advisory board for the republican unity coalition, which, like the log cabin republicans is an organization for rich gay men willing to sacrifice social protection in exchange for economic protection.

the advocate also reports that democrats are 'not as pro-gay as they could be,' which is a perfect illustration of arianna huffington's latest where she says the democratic party's new motto should be 'vote for us - we kinda, sorta disagree.'

there too many goddamned talent shows on tv now.

most talented kid
most disturbingly sexualized pre-teen
most talented senior
most talented senor (mexican version)
fame
flame (gay version - oh wait, it's already the gay version)
all american girl
all american grrl (lesbian version)

watched 'fame' last night. the judges are too nice. no one has the balls to be the next simon cowell. not even carnie (i'm skinny and you're not gonna forget it) wilson, who was the only judge willing to offer even mild criticism. if i were a network boss i'd be furious with those judges. america does not want to watch a feel good show. they want to watch hard working kids get ripped to shreds and then coddled by a paula-like mother figure. if you're going to rip off american idol, then rip it off right! sheesh. c'mon people.

in actual disturbing news, we may never find out what really happened to jessica lynch. will she even be able to tell her own story? i'm sure jerry bruckheimer and michael bay are concocting it at this very moment.

the word of the day is banausic. i love it. especially the greek root and attitude associated with the word. "to earn a living," "of an artisian," "nonintellectual," and "vulgar."

i had no idea one word could completely sum up this job.

'bravo' to bravo for launching a new show 'boy meets boy' which should be called 'joe homo.'

one lucky guy gets to date a bunch of other guys, some of whom are straight men pretending to be gay.

this is so awesome. the best part will be at the end when the chosen guy says 'surprise! i'm straight!' and the main guy goes 'no way! but you give such great head!' i'd also love to see a 'bachelorette' where all the men are gay pretending to be straight. although, that's already the case on most dating shows - overpumped gay men hoping to lauch their acting careers by appearing on 'blind date.'

the office of obvious evolutionary traits has shown that hot men have the best sperm. which makes me wonder: a) are the men hot because they have good sperm, or b) do they have good sperm because they're hot? i'm sure it goes hand in hand. although if option a were the case, it could provide a fun new interactive (and non-subjective) way to relaunch the show 'are you hot?' all you'd need is a bottle of lotion and a test tube.

it also gives rise to all these fun questions i have about human nature and 'extreme makeover.' these people are cheating the evolutionary process! they are tricking the brain's 'good gene' detectors into thinking ugly people have good genes. people are born ugly for one reason: as a warning label to potential humping partners that 'babies resulting from this coupling may not appear human.'

although there is the whole phenomenon of really hot people having ugly parents. does this really happen as often as we think or is it just one of those things we think happens alot because when we do see it we notice it? i need my own laboratory.

clay and ruben have disappeared from the face of the earth. are they over already? i wasted every tuesday and wednesday night since january for this??

and now there's nothing to watch anymore. and after 'six feet under' ends this weekend, there'll really be nothing to watch. i just have to keep telling myself that's a good thing. i can be much more productive with my time.

special thanks to mike daisey for linking to me. i've been a big fan of mike, his blog, and his irreverent humor since i saw his show '21 dog years' last fall. can't wait to see your hbo project, mike!

since writing yesterday's entry, it seems like pseudo-out celebrities are all over the place.. b.d. wong talks in 'the advocate' about how he was deliberately cagey with the media to hide his sexuality in order to protect his acting career.. anna nicole smith's family and former lesbian lover tell all in a cable documentary... stories circulate new york about kevin spacey's 'hotel boy' being ushered in through the back entrance...

sigh. i'm torn.

when entertainers like ricky martin and clay aiken refuse to answers questions of their sexuality, it is automatically seen by the majority of the public as admitting to being gay because 'who would refuse to answer a question, when the answer to it, if you have nothing to hide, would mean that you're a normal, straight, functioning member of society?'

those who refuse to answer the question, hoping to make sexuality a non-issue actually make it a larger issue because of their secrecy. in american culture, hell in human culture, basic sexuality is like gender. it's not just an issue of 'staying out of people's bedrooms,' it's a matter of identity. refusal to answer basic facts about a person's sexuality like 'who are you dating?' immediately raises suspicions. it just ain't normal!

to call sexuality a 'non-issue' and then refuse to answer questions about it is hypocrisy.

republican senatorial candidate mark foley is the latest in the public spotlight crying 'non-issue' from his closely guared closet. he decries all rumors about his homosexuality as a smear campaign launched by zealous democrats, but then refuses to state publicly that he is straight. if he were really straight, he would laugh at the whole thing, because to be called one thing when you're completely another is funny.. then he would have a casual press conference like mike piazza and calmly state 'yes, folks. uh, i don't know where you got this idea, but me loves pussy. sorry for the confusion.'

he must be so angry that his camp roasted clinton over white lies regarding sex.. now he can't tell the tiniest lie about craving boobies because it'll all come back to slap him on the ass. and not in the good way.

so i'm torn. i would love for homosexuality to truly be a non-issue. like racism; i'd love to erase the history. but you can't. an inequality exists, and to deny it is a blatant attempt to use liberal idealism to cover your own self-hating culturally programmed-to-be-shameful ass.

i get letters from people asking 'does it even matter if he's gay?' or course it does. because anytime someone respected truly believes their sexuality is a non-issue (like ian mckellen, and barney frank - talented folk who are not defined by their sexuality) then the rest of the world will start to believe it too.

clay, ricky and mark: i wish you could cry 'who cares?' and truly have the world not. i understand that it allows you to have it both ways; you don't have to lie, and it allows women to maintain their fantasies. just stop pretending you live in a world that doesn't care. you are the boys who cried 'no sheep!' while wearing wolves' clothing. and not even good wolves' clothing - you can totally see the zippers n' shit.

okay. clay sucks. ruben sucks. fox sucks. rupert murdoch's media empire aside, the hypocrisy of frenchie's expulsion from 'american idol' is enough to make a person boycott the station forever, a fact made abundantly clear by her showstopping performance in 'rent.'

she would have won, folks. hands down, she would have taken the cake. and eaten it too. she was everything we hoped kimberley locke would be. she was the sum of the best parts of the best idol contestants. she had ruben's ease and soulful assuredness. she had clay's piercing yet smooth high notes, sung without strain. but she also had trenyce's confidence minus kimbereley caldwell's cockiness. had she not been eliminated she probably would have been up against clay in the final round (based only on the fact that ruben landed in the botton three once) and i would have voted for her a hundred times.

i'm glad she didn't win. now she has a home on broadway for as song as she wants it.

hoo boy we've got conspiracy theories comin' out the wazoo. scott emailed me with his latest crop of insights:

that clay peeked over ryan's shoulder at the card before the commercial break and feigned surprise when ruben's name was announced.

that ryan seacrest is a tool for stating the wrong numbers twice. first it's 13,000. then it's 1,300. now fox says 130,000. i like using that word 'tool.' makes me feel like a frat boy.

that the suits tampered with the voting system, keeping clay's number busy while ruben's line was free and clear.

maurice points out that he may have spotted clay's mom in the audience with a rainbow purse strap. it's the final straw. pflag anyone?

looks like we're going to need to get price waterhouse to come and deliver the results in a briefcase like they do for the oscars.

it wouldn't surprise me to discover that fox had pulled some strings to get the results they wanted, but part of me just doesn't care. clay has all the exposure he needs. it's clear from tamyra's success and nikki mckibbin's disappearance that the final ranking has little bearing. fox knew this, and also knew that the vote would be really close - the only difference between the winner and the runner up to -them- is that they have to pour way more money into the winner. who are they willing to pour 1 million into? the radio friendly voice.

it will be interesting to see whose cd sells more. i'm betting on clay. regardless of how they sound, there's not really any competition between a soaring simon and garfunkel timeless classic and a hackneyed formulaic retread of an irish pretty-boy band's pedestrian strain.

really the luckiest person in all of this is frenchie davis. she has the talent to sustain a career in showbiz, and must be thanking her lucky stars that she posed for 'daddy's little girl.' who knew at the time that fortuitous decision would not only land her a media blitz, but would also get her out of that byzantine contract. the perfect carrer-starting combo.

a very interesting article.

i've been quoted in out.com! thanks to hank for the heads up. damn them for not giving credit where credit is due.

ha, thanks to meagan for this link after my own heart.

pressing news: the 'justin to kelly' website has gone live.

in more pressing news: american culture has gone dead.

what to say, what to say..

ruben is the american idol! hmm.. i'm a touch disappointed, but only a touch. i still like ruben, but based on the final night's performances clay should have won by a landslide. i guess it came down to two things - who inherited kimberley's fans and who's fans were more voracious and obsessive about voting. ruben's fans took it home by 1,300. part of me thinks i should have voted. then ruben would have won by only 1,299. well i maybe would have voted three times so 1,297.

as simon said, the real competition will begin once both singer's single cds are released - who's fans are more willing to vote with their money?

i dont know what the top stories were in other parts of the country, but during the commercial breaks in new york we were treated to spots for fox news with the lead stories like:

'what's britney spears doing in this video that she doesn't want you to see??? find out tonight!'

'grandma stubbed her toe in the bathtub. international terrorists may be responsible! we'll show you the unlikely connection tonight at 10!'

i received an email from someone named scott saying "At the end of last night's show Clay went on in deeply religious tones about "God's plan". Out-of-the-closet religious gay men don't belong to churches with that of rhetoric. He doesn't know!"

well clay clearly isn't out of the closet - maybe because he can't be, and maybe it's a self imposed, self-hatred kind of closet. we may never know. but we sure do know that gay men and the church go hand in hand like syrup on pancakes.

yay more hate mail! here's a gem from gillian:

"What the hell is your problem, now your picking on Ruben because he isn't "super gay" as you may think Clay is. I agree with lollipopcutie on this one, you have no right to veto the opions of others on what sexuality clay akien may or may not be. Some people including myself feel that this is an outrage because your being such a  asshole and being so pestimistic in finding out whether he is gay or ratting him out. This seems a little consipcious in the way your acting, how does that show to others? GAY! maybe, so don't be bitching your face off in saying how gay he may be, beause it's insulting and would u like it if we made a web site about you, telling how "super gay" Joe is.... So shut the fuck up and leave them alone because atleast they have lives and are going somewhere... "

gillian i totally love your email. darling, you're babbling like paula. there are so many apples to pick off this tree i don't know where to begin! pessimistic? au contraire, i'm tremendously optimistic to find out that clay is gay. he's a great hope and role model to all twinky homos nationwide; you know, the ones who went to the prom with the unpopular girls, the ones with exclusively female friends, the ones who had female roommates in college (hmm.. sound like anyone?).

insulting? if i'm being insulting to clay then please allow me to insult you in a similar fashion: gillian you are such a woman! woman!!! you have boobs, you woman woman!

ohmigod gillian you should totally make a website about how super gay i am! oh, wait. this -is- a website about how super gay i am! lemme tell you gillian, i am the gayest gay of all the gays. clay has nothing on me. lemme tell you how gay i am: my boyfriend and are going to see frenchie davis in 'rent' this weekend (full review of her performance forthcoming, fear not fellow homos), now that's gay!

keep the hate mail comin' folks! most creative flames (ha ha) will be posted!

last night's american idol competition is best described in terms of pornography. the black man may be huge, but in the end cannot deliver the money shot like the gay man can.

ruben has great soulful runs (melisma, as i've learned from the new york times article that derides them) but no money notes. clay has money notes but no soulful runs. it's chocolate vs. vanilla, which is an interesting twist because last year kelly clarkson was able to give us both chocolate and vanilla. justin guarini was pistachio. nikki mckibbin was tofu. i've digressed to ice cream metaphors.

clive davis must be so frustrated. 'how the hell am i supposed to market this twinky broadway belter?' he must be yelling as o-town takes turns going down on him under his desk.

this is what it's all about.

i've been getting email from distraught teenage girls. this one is my personal favorite, from 'lollipopcutie':

"Just remember that while you continue to rat him out on how "Super Gay" he is... he hasn't been in the bottom 3 ONCE this entire competition! So it doesn't seem to bug other people as much as it bugs you which makes me wonder why you're even doing this in the first place and why you're so confident of his sexuality. Fans love him and that's all you need to know. "

holy shit yo! girl, you so right. i didn't even notice that clay has never been in the bottom three. there is no way on god's green earth that someone not in the bottom three could ever, ever be gay. ever. i was so completely mistaken. i take it all back. thank you lollipopcutie, for your insight hath opened mine eyes.

kids, are we still in a place where 'gay' is used to connote 'bad?' where someone goes to see 'daredevil' and comes out saying 'that's so gay' referring to the putrid quality of the film and not to the sexual tension between affleck and colin farrell?

cybill shepard displayed true fearlessness in 'martha inc.' last night by allowing herself to appear on television in bad, wrinkle enhancing lighting. her commitment to the craft is staggering. what's next for cybill? will she gain weight for a role?

'martha inc.' was deliciously trashy, although not as well executed as the 'three's company' movie. we get to see martha as 'the bad seed,' then we get to see martha as tracy flick, then we get to see martha as the raving lunatic we all imagine (and hope) she is.

okay, so i only saw the last ten minues of 'idol' last night.. thank god. in that space i was treated to yet another horrifying rendition of 'god bless the usa.' but strangely, the song's hero josh gracin is missing. wait, ruben can't sing the part about 'my children and my wife!' since josh is unavailable, vanessa olivarez has been suddenly resurrected! god bless vanessa for her openly sarcastic performance of that (let me say it again because it's the defining word of the year) jingoistic blindly nationalistic piece of trite musical refuse.

okay, let me talk for a moment about the shafting of vanessa olivarez. i like vanessa. she's spunky. she has fun hair. she seems like a fun person. she's genuinely 'alternative' unlike that poser nikki mckibbin. she has a pot bellied pig for chrissakes. it seems simon fuller decided that despite being voted into the top 12 her image is a blemish and was therefore completely left off the 'idols 2' cd. why did fuller try to erase one of the most memorable splashes of color in an otherwise bland bunch, perfectly embodied by the popularity of julia roboto?

can't fault simon for his honesty. in this article he's quoted as saying "what you're trying to do, if you can, is to tell the audience who you want to be in the final. you're not getting accurate judging. you're not."

so you can bet we're going to see clay get slammed a lot in the next couple nights in simon's attempts to cement the top spot for ruben. (even though cowell admits the winner may be clay 'by a whisker.')

the article also has a great picture of the final steps in the ten-step process required to apply human coloration to clay's face. that's 1. base, 2. foundation, 3. rouge, 4. lipstick, 5. lip gloss, 6. lip liner, 7. eyeliner, 8. mascara, 9. eyelash curling, and then once all the makeup has been applied to the rubber mask, it's taken off the dummy head and carefully glued to clay's skull.

tina fey is a genius. weekend update described the upcoming american idol showdown between clay and ruben as 'the ultimate battle of the sexes.'

if clay wins i wonder if he'll sing a duet with will young, the winner of 'pop idol' who came out of the closet the day after his single hit #1.

i'm sure producers would find it too disturbingly homoerotic (not to mention that will young flails on stage and sings with a pronounced lisp). although, if the producers shied away from homoeroticism, they would have handed the hosting reigns to dunkleman.

god, i made a discovery last night about high school kids.. i track who's reading my blog, and because i write a lot about american idol on my blog, a lot of high school kids read it, and link to it through their own blogs.. i was reading one kid's blog and it was a rant against some girl who had written things about him in -her- blog. my god. can you imagine going to high school where all your friends have their own blogs? - basically their very own gossip tabloid newspaper. it's a whole new world.

well this has pretty much become a blog about television. and seeing as how we will really only have another week of clay aiken gay speculation (hey, that's a mini poem), let's talk about some other things.

remember jessica lynch? the heroic blonde beauty who went down in a hail of bullets, firing bravely, even after she had been hit.. and then was held and forced to endure inhuman tortures until u.s. forces finally, valiantly, broke down the doors, shot several people, and performed her rescue with 'surgical accuracy'? remember her?

boy, jayson blair at the new york times aint the only one makin shit up.

the bbc reports that there were, in fact, no soldiers at the hospital lynch was being 'held' at, and that when the u.s. soldiers broke down twelve sets of doors, they fired blanks into the air and screamed 'go go go!' for the benefit of military cameramen following the operation.

the toronto star goes further to report that her 'inhumane treatment' included being given one of the only good hospital stretchers available, and being attened constantly by khalida shinah, one of only two nurses at the hospital, who befriended lynch. lynch supposedly told khalinda she wanted to take her back to america with her.

in addition to these 'atrocities' the hospital staff even tried to return jessica to u.s. forces in an ambulance, but were fired upon when they tried to drive towards the u.s. base and had to return to the hospital.

the story goes on and on.. jessica had no bullet or stab wounds, only broken bones from when her vehicle turned over. dr. mudhafer raazk is quoted as saying 'you do realize you could have just knocked on the door and we would have wheeled jessica down to you, don't you?'

it all stinks of white house spin. the need for a good story. anyone remember 'wag the dog?' dustin hoffman's producer character concocts 'old shoe joe,' a fictional soldier left behind in battle. at the time, we laughed. but now the lines between news and entertainment are truly blurred. when jerry bruckheimer is advising the pentagon on the tv show 'profiles from the front line,' he is not doing it as a miltary advisor. he's doing it as an entertainment advisor. he's instructing the military on how to provide the public with a simple, clean message of good versus evil, complete with an ejaculatory, guns blazing (whether the guns are necessary or not) payoff.

i was sitting at my desk and i had a sudden flashback to last night's show. jesus, i sat through justin guarini didn't i? he sang a slightly hip version of 'unchained melody' the night after clay did.. and tamyra was on too, determined to outsing (and out-dramatize) kymbyrly locke's 'somewhere over the rainbow.' what is this? i swear, the producers can only get the rights to ten songs.

and why didn't they bring back nikki mckibbin??? i bet they asked her. i bet they made offer after offer, but it just would not fit into her hectic schedule. they said 'nikki, we're prepared to offer you a second chance to prove you weren't the result of a delusional, mindfucked american voting public, solidifying our need for an electoral college.' and she said 'gosh, ya'll! i'd really luv to, but i havta dye the back of my head blonde, then do the top of my head red, then do the tips purple, and after that i havta wipe all the beer piss off my karaoke machine. maybe next year!'

goodbye kimberley. now is the time for all good homos to come to the aid of their fellow 'mos. clay aiken will rule the world. twinky musical theatre geeks will inherit the universe. thus spake zarathustra.

somehow i've lost my spot on google! am i not writing enough about clay aiken being gay? i can't image how it happened. so please forgive this blatant attempt to get back on the 'clay aiken is gay' search:

clay aiken is gay! gay gay gay gay gay gay gay! clay aiken loves the cock! loves it! clay aiken and ryan seacrest have hairdo parties where they frost each other's tips and snuggle all night long! did you see him throw that baseball!? girrl! we know he ain't no pitcher! slam! ow! yowza!

salon.com is predicting that clay aiken will win american idol because he's the whitest contestant on the stage. what salon is forgetting is his whole ambiguously gay showtune singing factor and how that alone could cement the top prize for ruben. being a 'mo can be just as big a handicap as being a bro'. i hope they're right. i want to see all the kids who burned their dixie chicks cds drop to the ground screaming in agony when clay finally has his post-show coming out interview.

what is most troublesome is the gag order the producers could enforce on clay. here is an excerpt from the contract all contestants on the show must sign:

"... I hereby grant to Producer the unconditional right throughout the universe in perpetuity to use, simulate or portray (and to authorize others to do so) or to refrain from using, simulating or portraying, my name, likeness (whether photographic or otherwise), voice, singing voice, personality, personal identification or personal experiences, my life story, biographical data, incidents, situations and events which heretofore occurred or hereafter occur, including without limitation the right to use, or to authorize others to use any of the foregoing in or in connection with the Series ...

"... I understand that, in and in connection with the Series, I may reveal and/or relate, and other parties ... may reveal and/or relate information about me of a personal, private, intimate, surprising, defamatory, disparaging, embarrassing or unfavorable nature, that may be factual and/or fictional."

'factual and/or fictional.' so basically, simon fuller has the right to make up and say anything about you he wants and you have no legal recourse. your persona is a product, manufactured and distributed by 19, fuller's company. and if simon fuller decides that you are going to be ambigiously sexual and not a ryan seacrest chasing nelly, then that group of hot guys, the ones in the front row, the ones you picked up at the bar last night - well, you're going to have to call them your 'high school friends.'

also in the contract is a clause stating that if you make any statement deemed to be damaging to 'american idol,' you can be sued for up to 5 million dollars. 'i'm gay' could easily be construed as such a statement - so we may never know for sure which team clay bats for until the george michael police hit on him in a public bathroom.

there's another clause stating that if you win, you must appear on 'world idol,' for the whopping sum of, get this, $1400. i'm sure kelly clarkson's real happy about that one.

as for last night's show... eh. kimberley, you failed to bring it 2 out of 3 times. clay had the same batting average. and ruben, who's starting to sound a little hoarse, yelled his way through that song 'if ever you're in my arms again,' which i know runs over the credits of some cheezy 80's film but i can't think of what it is.. it's something like 'chances are' except 'chances are' had it's own cheezy song. what movie is that song from?? it's driving me crazy. anyway, ruben is immune to critisicm. at this point he could stand there and do nothing as 'ice ice baby' plays behind him and all three judges would praise him for taking such a risk.

tonight is a big night for the 'idol' kids. at this point i don't even know who i want to win.. kimberley has had some stellar moments - ever since her 'new york state of mind' performance i began to believe that she could possibly win.. but it seems like she falls apart during every third performance.

it all depends on the performances tonight. kimberley is hit or miss. clay aiken is often bland. ruben studdard will be the same as always, no doubt. so really i have no idea who i'm voting for.

last night i watched the 'unauthorized story of three's company' on nbc, co-produced by joyce dewitt. it's pretty amazing how dewitt comes across as a completely innocent victim, and nbc is the only network spared the wrath of suzanne somers. all in all, it was pretty well done. jud tylor will surely win the emmy for her 'phone call' scene, in which she has to cheerfully read the lines 'hi janet, it's chrissy!' as she realizes that she is slowly being phased out of the show. it's studio bitchiness at its best. makes me wish simon fuller had done the same thing with dunkleman. 'hi ryan, it's brian!' (tears streaking down his face, while the director demands 'more energy!')

what happened to lisa on six feet under?? my personal belief is that she walked straight into the ocean, which would be kind of a cop-out. the best thing about six feet under this season is that it has dealt with nate's conflicting feelings about the two women in his life in a very real way.. to just drop lisa off the face of the earth is such a guest-star convenient death to pave the way for brenda to become a regular cast member again. argh. i have faith in the show though. i'm hoping she's not dead. i'm hoping it's something brilliant that none of us would ever have thought of..

which brings me to the rancid piece of tv trash that is 'queer as folk.' this show began as a guilty pleasure has since descended to an unapologetic travesty.

and the problem with the show is not the sleazy content or crass characters, the problem is in concept and execution. week after week, we are treated to plotlines usually reserved for half hour sitcoms, complete with non-threatening wrapups that happily restore all the characters to the exact same place they were at when we met them. conceptually, the show's problem is that it is 'about being gay.' it's unfortunate, because the original british version of the show was about average-looking, working class gay men and the realistic struggles and adventures they faced. the glossy american version however is about how couple of bitter forty-something hack-writer queens wanted to revolutionize television by splashing as much 'controversial' crap onto it as possible. if the show were about straight people it would have as much dramatic content as an average episode of skinemax's 'passion cove,' complete with lame head bobbing simulated blow jobs.

the unfortunate thing about 'queer as folk' is that it has become critic-proof. anyone criticizing the show is deemed either a right wing conservative, or if you're gay, a log cabin republican. the producers truly believe they are doing a service to television, and on some level they are; it is refreshing to see male relationships depicted on screen - but when we can flip a few channels and see the depth and honesty with which we are treated to david and keith on 'six feet under,' do we really need an all male 'passion cove?'

another problem with 'queer as folk' is the treatment of the lesbians. these women are not lesbians. these women are what gay men wish lesbians were: glamorous, attractive, perfect single working mothers who come together as units and raise the children that gay men don't want to have and run corporations together. WHERE ARE THE MULLETS?? where are the court-side seats at the WNBA? where are the lesbian sports bars? where are these lesbian equivalents to all of the effemenent gays? it's a simple answer: to deal honestly with the lesbian community would mean the gay writers would actually have to know something about it, and it would also mean that the show would no longer appeal to it's core audience of gay men (i guess lesbians don't watch tv). the inclusion of two peripheral lesbian characters on the show is a telling sign of the weak links between the gay and lesbian communities; we are fundamentally on opposite ends of a sexual and cultural spectrum. however, we face similar prejudices and difficulties, so it looks better for the greater community if we appear to be united. michael moore makes a similar case for why he is glad there are no black people on 'friends.' they don't belong on 'friends' because none of the people on 'friends' would ever be friends with a black person! (unless it's aisha tyler, who's fine because she acts white). so i say either cut the lesbians or be brave and deal with them honestly. whip out that trimmer, give lindsey a 'high and tight,' a flannel shirt and a fanny pack.

there is justice after all. i want to belive that majority opinions can be right, i want to believe mary! unfortunately, as arianna huffington points out, majority opinions are responsible for making 'macarena' the number one song for 14 straight weeks. sobering.

which is why josh (gracin' you with my presence) gracin's expulsion from american idol is a sweet sweet moment indeed. the new mckibbin is gone! perhaps i can have faith in our country again, and rest easier knowing that as we speak josh is trading in his singin' shoes for an AK-47. well, maybe we shouldn't rest so easy.

what is it about clay that makes so many millons of people type "clay aiken gay" into google? nobody types this about ruben or josh. the world obviously suspects him of being gay, but are these googlers hopeful? fearful? are they teenage girls doing background checks on their latest crush, or creepy balding men with 'play basements' doing recruitment research? one thing's fur sure, clay's sexual mystery is the new macguffin to replace the loss of the new mckibbin.

dammit. josh gracin is moving onto the next round. i have a bad feeling kimberley locke is going to be voted out by america. in a repeat of last year’s tamyra episode, nikki mckibbin had one of her only strong nights on the same night that tamyra had a relatively weaker night. the verdict: tamyra’s out and nikki moves into the top three. i’m willing to bet we see the same thing tonight with josh and kimberley locke. i've lost all faith. i'm ready to set myself on fire in the middle of the street.

it’s all about demographics. josh has the military and southern conservative rah rah jingoistic ‘let’s bomb those sand-niggers’ vote. ruben has the northern black vote, and the votes of people who appreciate consistent talent. kimberley has the majority of the adult female vote, and clay has the gay vote and the teenage girl vote. (the gay vote and the teenage girl vote are the same demographic).

clay aiken, what are you doing?? grease? you follow up one of your best performances with this pap? do you really want josh to win?

of course you have come this website because you are wondering 'is clay aiken gay?' and i am here to tell you with unwavering authority that, yes, he is indeed the cock smoker you suspect him to be. there is such a lovely fascination with the pansy-boy, isn't there? especially the cute ones with teams of stylists.

in college i read an interesting, but obviously conservative-slanted book called 'the sissy boy syndrome' by richard green, in which he interviewed and followed the lives of young boys who displayed effeminate behavior. some of the boys underwent his 'therapy' to stop the effeminate behavior and grew up sexually confused. others grew up gay despite the 'training,' and some grew up claiming to be straight, but still confessed homosexual fantasies. hmm. so basically, moms of the world: if little timmy is trying to breast feed a 'my little pony' you can bet he's gonna be riding a different kind of horse in twenty years.

sexuality is a broad landscape. it's easy for someone who's not gay to look at effeminate boys, see that later they come out as gay, and believe that 'if only i'd stopped little timmy from using that easy bake oven, he'd be chasing pussy!'

the sissy behavior is a symptom, an early indicator that genetically, something is different with your child. what is so difficult to grasp, even for (and sometimes especially for) gay rights advocates is the wide array of possibility that can occur within the human mind. there's a lot of room for sexual confusion in our world. women are much freer to explore the gray areas of their sexuality because women are conditioned to appear beautiful and it is socially acceptable for other women to acknowledge that beauty. lesbianism is encouraged by straight male society, especially if it involves jello and a wrestling ring. boys don't get to play around like that, so we're conditioned to think much more cut and dry. maybe clay isn't gay. maybe he'd just like to know, for pure scientific curiosity, what it feels like to tackle ryan seacrest's waifish nubile body from behind in a kiddie pool filled with chocolate pudding. all resulting boners are purely coincidental.

tonight, world, let's vote for everyone EXCEPT josh gracin. c'mon people, i know you can do it. do it for your country. do it for his kid and his wife. do it for the collective ears of america.

history repeats itself, doesn't it? josh is now a certified mckibbin, having lasted through an upset, although not quite as alarming as tamyra's exit. i think the best part was seeing josh's face, buring in his hands, knowing that he didn't deserve to be there, even after trying to sabotage himself on tuesday's show. i don't think this guy even wants to be a singer. i'm sure he'd quit if he didn't have such a high moral code. he's got a great future as a bartender in a detroit country-western bar. nikki mckibbin had computer geeks programming their modem dialers to give her thousands and thousands of extra votes, and now josh has the entire armed forces voting for him in the name of patriotism. don't these people realize that electing bland trash like josh to the top spot will only create more terrorists?

do i even need to mention justin (i wink because i love me) guarini's sadly forgettable 'performance' of a 'song' from his new 'album?' god, it all came rushing back to me.. the reasons i despised him last year. and his ascent to the #2 position also explains josh's success. i hope josh and clay end up in the top spots. they can film the movie 'from joshua to clay,' featuring the duet "i'm not asking (and i'm not telling)."